Dear readers of this blog,
Two nights ago I very nearly made the greatest mistake of my life.
Had it succeeded, another mistake, which I take full responsibility for, would have been the second greatest mistake of my life instead.
I don't know what I'm doing. I thought I did.
There are things which I cannot possibly be forgiven for and I wonder if my capacity as a writer and especially as a Christian writer is now irredeemably destroyed.
I would do anything to take back what I have done. More than I would do anything to change having, well, this.
My heart groans to be free of this world. My spirit longs to at last be unshackled and to fly away home.
I have lost loved ones and I don't know how to ever gain them again.
There are people who are going to laugh and gloat that I am saying these things. I couldn't care less. My heart lied one time too many to one friend. It will not lie here.
I don't know what I'm doing. And God is so very distant now, I cannot hear Him. Could I have heard Him at all? The times I thought I heard God, was that nothing but my disease playing with my thoughts?
I don't know.
I know nothing.
I wanted to be a father. I would have been a good father.
I wanted to be known as a good man. I wanted to be a good man, through and through.
I create nothing. I destroy everything.
I am become Death, shatterer of worlds. My own has not been spared.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
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