Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Dear God:

Are You hearing me?

Do You care at all about us, about any of us?

I think about people who believe in You worldwide, who are even today being persecuted and tortured and killed because of their belief in You. What has it gotten them? Have You heard their cries?

If You aren't listening to them, why should I expect You to listen to me?

Why is it that every time You have blessed me with something, You yank it away like a cruel bully? That's what I'm starting to see You as: a cruel bully like the kind who used to torment me on the playground.

Do my prayers ever move You at all?

How can I believe You to hear my prayers about my needs? Scripture tells us to bring everything to you. I have done what I can to do that in a thankful and believing spirit... so where is Your listening ear?

How can I trust You, period?

Are we just playthings to You?

Are there some people You favor over others? If so then I just happen to be one of those on your %$*@ list. That's what it feels like to me.

How can I know anymore that You are good?

How can I trust You?

How can I know that my faith in You hasn't been wasted?

How can I know You are really there? Because more and more, I'm beginning to doubt and I really don't want to go there. But if You are there, You are giving me precious little to go on so far as Your being good goes.

Why should anyone here on this Earth believe in You when all they get are frustration, broken prayers, and answers from a book which they otherwise have no reason to believe in?

What are we to You?

How are we to know that you hear our prayers for salvation?

Do they matter to You at all?

Please talk to me.  Answer my questions.  Show me how to trust in You again.  Show me how to not to ever question my faith, for as long as I live.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're asking the questions that people have asked for ages, Chris. They aren't easy questions, and the answers wouldn't be easy, either. This is a conversation between you and God, so I won't conceit to try and answer for Him, but only tell you that you are in my prayers. You aren't praying alone.

Blessings,
A Friend

Anonymous said...

Overdose again and get it right. God doesn't hear you because he doesn't exist. If you tried killing yourself don't hold out and go all the way. You won't feel a thing ever again I promise.

Anonymous said...

Yes Chris overdose and go all the way. Your life is shit. You are a loser, a fucking loser. If God was listening he'd heard you already. If you take yourself out there will not be any pain or hurt again. It will be like you were never born. Nobody will miss you. The world is better without you. Take those pills and let sweet black take you away from it all.

Melinda Payne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MomO5 NC said...

"Anonymous" - what a coward and a pathetic excuse. What kind of horrible life are YOU leading that you feel the need to encourage others to harm themselves? You should be ashamed and disgusted with yourself. All of Chris's friends are disgusted for you. Prayers that YOUR life improves and you seek forgiveness for your cowardly attack on an innocent man.

Chris, hang tough brother. God is here, He hears you. Embrace HIS peace when you can't find your own. You are most definitely not alone.

Matt LaCoe (6x Combat Vet Iraq) said...

Hey previous two anonymous people. It is obvious that your point of view on death is one that has witnessed very little. I doubt that the greatest loss you have ever experienced is the loss of your confidence and pride. If you think you knowing something about death then you come and find me. I promise my experience will be more than enough to educate you properly. I am not as docile or gentlemanly as Chris.

Marie said...

My comment is to the "sicko!!,anonymous":. You are a cruel POS! You'll realize how sick and deluded you are when you face GOD on judgment day! With your mentality you are the one that should "take those pills, don't hold out, go all the way"!

Melinda Payne said...

Chris, God is speaking to you now...through all of the wonderful friends who love you. LISTEN! <3

PapaBear007 said...

Chris don't let the devil win.. I its a constant battle, we all fight the same battle between God and the devil...

Tammy B said...

Dear Anonymous;

What a sad life you live... trolling the internet for people to torment, perhaps if you would leave your Mother's basement more often, you could find some way to contribute to society. As it is, you are a troll and a coward at that, who hides behind "Anonymous". Please grow up and find something better to do with your life because someday you won't be "Anonymous" and you will have to face real people in the real world who will not tolerate your behavior. Please feel free to respond if you are brave enough... I am not hiding.

Chris Knight said...

To the person who left those two comments,

If you wanted to hurt me then you did, at first. I was seriously wounded and taken aback by your comments. Yes, I overdosed on medication. I'm not sure if suicide was my actual intent. I was in very severe pain because of depression and I didn't care if I woke up or not. Thankfully (I can say that now) I did. Guess what? I'm now in the group of 1 out of 5... at least... people with bipolar who attempt suicide.

I have chosen to forgive and forget. But you should be ashamed of yourself. I won't take offense from a very little troll hiding behind a keyboard, but you have insulted and denigrated the memories and the friends and the families of many people suffering from bipolar and/or depression who have tried to take their own lives and succeeded. If you are going to apologize (and I doubt you will) it shouldn't be to me, it should be to them.

And if you think you are deterring me from something, think again. Having bipolar is something I've been very up-front about for three and a half years now. I know I am not perfect. I know I make mistakes. I know there are things that I could have done better. But I own up to them. I admit to them. And I write about them. I write about my life with this so that others may not have to experience the same degree of pain as I have. What I may or may not have consciously been trying to do, that is part of my personal experience and one which I did not see how I could not make reference to. This blog, and my writings about bipolar in particular, are a journal of my growth as a person and that includes the manic-depressive disorder. I'm not going to hide from that, not even from myself. Certainly not for sake of a very small individual like you.

And if you wanted to make me angry, you can think again there too. When I read your comments I had been writing a chapter for my book. It's a chapter about the loneliness that one endures from having mental illness. I wound up pouring the anger I was feeling toward you into that chapter and I ended up writing all of it in less than a day, absent edits and revisions. I also came to see and realize some things which I never had before. So in a way your cowardly comments helped me. You should be proud for helping an author write his book. Lord only knows if it will ever see publication, but at least I will have written a book. What have you accomplished?

So I'm not going to be hurt, or offended, or have any lingering anger toward you. There are better things to spend the precious moments of one's life toward. You would be well to understand that and make something productive of your own life, instead of trying to destroy that of others.

Marie said...

Well said, Chris. You're more forgiving than many would be! Bipolar or not, everyone makes mistakes! Most wish they could undo their mistakes or take back unkind words. You are more brave than most to put it in writing for all to know. GOD BLESS YOU!

Matt LaCoe (6x Combat Vet) said...

I still want this little weenie to come and find me.....but, the fact they will always remain anonymous proves one of two things. Either (A) they are too much of a coward to leave their true identity or (B) they lack the intelligence needed to figure out how to leave their name. Either way I have never known you to be a person to take advice of idiots or cowards.

Darth Caedus said...

A long time ago I stood there at the sea, near the place where Jesus did some miracles - they told me.
The I realised: God is ... not.
It is hard, I know.
I asked questions, I was filled by the desire to serve my Lord.

Chris, I'm sure, you know what everyone knows, who makes use of his or her brain:

I can ask questions ... have questions ... be driven by them.

The only answers I could get are the ones within me - my own thoughts or the old answers from this unsignificant "holy" book from Palestinian desert ...

Choose which source you wann trust ...

I trusted none of both.

Trust the reality.

marc said...

"Yes, I overdosed on medication. I'm not sure if suicide was my actual intent. I was in very severe pain because of depression and I didn't care if I woke up or not"

Not suffering from bipolar myself, I dont exactly have the vantage point of knowing the pain you go through when you have your episodes, except for what you explain about it. But know this. You are surrounded by a lot of people who care about you and love you more than you can imagine. Myself included. When you choose to hurt yourself, youre hurting us too, the people who love you. And we would be very sad if you arent around. Please dont do that again. We love you and need you.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Dear God:

Are You hearing me?

Do You care at all about us, about any of us?

I think about people who believe in You worldwide, who are even today being persecuted and tortured and killed because of their belief in You. What has it gotten them? Have You heard their cries?

If You aren't listening to them, why should I expect You to listen to me?

Why is it that every time You have blessed me with something, You yank it away like a cruel bully? That's what I'm starting to see You as: a cruel bully like the kind who used to torment me on the playground.

Do my prayers ever move You at all?

How can I believe You to hear my prayers about my needs? Scripture tells us to bring everything to you. I have done what I can to do that in a thankful and believing spirit... so where is Your listening ear?

How can I trust You, period?

Are we just playthings to You?

Are there some people You favor over others? If so then I just happen to be one of those on your %$*@ list. That's what it feels like to me.

How can I know anymore that You are good?

How can I trust You?

How can I know that my faith in You hasn't been wasted?

How can I know You are really there? Because more and more, I'm beginning to doubt and I really don't want to go there. But if You are there, You are giving me precious little to go on so far as Your being good goes.

Why should anyone here on this Earth believe in You when all they get are frustration, broken prayers, and answers from a book which they otherwise have no reason to believe in?

What are we to You?

How are we to know that you hear our prayers for salvation?

Do they matter to You at all?

Please talk to me.  Answer my questions.  Show me how to trust in You again.  Show me how to not to ever question my faith, for as long as I live.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're asking the questions that people have asked for ages, Chris. They aren't easy questions, and the answers wouldn't be easy, either. This is a conversation between you and God, so I won't conceit to try and answer for Him, but only tell you that you are in my prayers. You aren't praying alone.

Blessings,
A Friend

Anonymous said...

Overdose again and get it right. God doesn't hear you because he doesn't exist. If you tried killing yourself don't hold out and go all the way. You won't feel a thing ever again I promise.

Anonymous said...

Yes Chris overdose and go all the way. Your life is shit. You are a loser, a fucking loser. If God was listening he'd heard you already. If you take yourself out there will not be any pain or hurt again. It will be like you were never born. Nobody will miss you. The world is better without you. Take those pills and let sweet black take you away from it all.

Melinda Payne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MomO5 NC said...

"Anonymous" - what a coward and a pathetic excuse. What kind of horrible life are YOU leading that you feel the need to encourage others to harm themselves? You should be ashamed and disgusted with yourself. All of Chris's friends are disgusted for you. Prayers that YOUR life improves and you seek forgiveness for your cowardly attack on an innocent man.

Chris, hang tough brother. God is here, He hears you. Embrace HIS peace when you can't find your own. You are most definitely not alone.

Matt LaCoe (6x Combat Vet Iraq) said...

Hey previous two anonymous people. It is obvious that your point of view on death is one that has witnessed very little. I doubt that the greatest loss you have ever experienced is the loss of your confidence and pride. If you think you knowing something about death then you come and find me. I promise my experience will be more than enough to educate you properly. I am not as docile or gentlemanly as Chris.

Marie said...

My comment is to the "sicko!!,anonymous":. You are a cruel POS! You'll realize how sick and deluded you are when you face GOD on judgment day! With your mentality you are the one that should "take those pills, don't hold out, go all the way"!

Melinda Payne said...

Chris, God is speaking to you now...through all of the wonderful friends who love you. LISTEN! <3

PapaBear007 said...

Chris don't let the devil win.. I its a constant battle, we all fight the same battle between God and the devil...

Tammy B said...

Dear Anonymous;

What a sad life you live... trolling the internet for people to torment, perhaps if you would leave your Mother's basement more often, you could find some way to contribute to society. As it is, you are a troll and a coward at that, who hides behind "Anonymous". Please grow up and find something better to do with your life because someday you won't be "Anonymous" and you will have to face real people in the real world who will not tolerate your behavior. Please feel free to respond if you are brave enough... I am not hiding.

Chris Knight said...

To the person who left those two comments,

If you wanted to hurt me then you did, at first. I was seriously wounded and taken aback by your comments. Yes, I overdosed on medication. I'm not sure if suicide was my actual intent. I was in very severe pain because of depression and I didn't care if I woke up or not. Thankfully (I can say that now) I did. Guess what? I'm now in the group of 1 out of 5... at least... people with bipolar who attempt suicide.

I have chosen to forgive and forget. But you should be ashamed of yourself. I won't take offense from a very little troll hiding behind a keyboard, but you have insulted and denigrated the memories and the friends and the families of many people suffering from bipolar and/or depression who have tried to take their own lives and succeeded. If you are going to apologize (and I doubt you will) it shouldn't be to me, it should be to them.

And if you think you are deterring me from something, think again. Having bipolar is something I've been very up-front about for three and a half years now. I know I am not perfect. I know I make mistakes. I know there are things that I could have done better. But I own up to them. I admit to them. And I write about them. I write about my life with this so that others may not have to experience the same degree of pain as I have. What I may or may not have consciously been trying to do, that is part of my personal experience and one which I did not see how I could not make reference to. This blog, and my writings about bipolar in particular, are a journal of my growth as a person and that includes the manic-depressive disorder. I'm not going to hide from that, not even from myself. Certainly not for sake of a very small individual like you.

And if you wanted to make me angry, you can think again there too. When I read your comments I had been writing a chapter for my book. It's a chapter about the loneliness that one endures from having mental illness. I wound up pouring the anger I was feeling toward you into that chapter and I ended up writing all of it in less than a day, absent edits and revisions. I also came to see and realize some things which I never had before. So in a way your cowardly comments helped me. You should be proud for helping an author write his book. Lord only knows if it will ever see publication, but at least I will have written a book. What have you accomplished?

So I'm not going to be hurt, or offended, or have any lingering anger toward you. There are better things to spend the precious moments of one's life toward. You would be well to understand that and make something productive of your own life, instead of trying to destroy that of others.

Marie said...

Well said, Chris. You're more forgiving than many would be! Bipolar or not, everyone makes mistakes! Most wish they could undo their mistakes or take back unkind words. You are more brave than most to put it in writing for all to know. GOD BLESS YOU!

Matt LaCoe (6x Combat Vet) said...

I still want this little weenie to come and find me.....but, the fact they will always remain anonymous proves one of two things. Either (A) they are too much of a coward to leave their true identity or (B) they lack the intelligence needed to figure out how to leave their name. Either way I have never known you to be a person to take advice of idiots or cowards.

Darth Caedus said...

A long time ago I stood there at the sea, near the place where Jesus did some miracles - they told me.
The I realised: God is ... not.
It is hard, I know.
I asked questions, I was filled by the desire to serve my Lord.

Chris, I'm sure, you know what everyone knows, who makes use of his or her brain:

I can ask questions ... have questions ... be driven by them.

The only answers I could get are the ones within me - my own thoughts or the old answers from this unsignificant "holy" book from Palestinian desert ...

Choose which source you wann trust ...

I trusted none of both.

Trust the reality.

marc said...

"Yes, I overdosed on medication. I'm not sure if suicide was my actual intent. I was in very severe pain because of depression and I didn't care if I woke up or not"

Not suffering from bipolar myself, I dont exactly have the vantage point of knowing the pain you go through when you have your episodes, except for what you explain about it. But know this. You are surrounded by a lot of people who care about you and love you more than you can imagine. Myself included. When you choose to hurt yourself, youre hurting us too, the people who love you. And we would be very sad if you arent around. Please dont do that again. We love you and need you.