I'm not the same man that I used to be. Not since I was finally given that which I have wanted most of all.
For a very long time, and we are dealing with years, there is something that has been on my heart more than anything else. Something I have longed for. Something I have not actually wanted, but needed.
I needed it more than I needed any other element that could possibly lay within the boundaries of my life. I needed it so much that it was no matter of satiation of desire for the sake of happiness, but rather something that I required to have, for since longer than I can readily remember, a sense of life itself.
It was the thing that I had prayed to God, more than anything else, that He would let it happen.
Two weeks ago I was experiencing a very deep bout of depression. The medication wasn't working as well as it should have. Neither was anything else. In such times I turn often to prayer, to reading from my Bible (especially the Book of Job and the Psalms), to focusing on some shred of happy thoughts. Anything that can give me something to grasp hold of and climb up and out with.
It wasn't just the clinical depression, however. There was a certain situation that had come about, how I'm still not quite clear on how it happened. But it brought me into contact with that which had been what I had endured a tremendous amount of suffering. The thing that I had prayed to God about for so long.
Once again, I asked Him to bring whatever He would know best for it. So that I might at last know how to go on living.
That was on Sunday and Monday. On Tuesday I had an appointment with my counselor. I shared with her everything that I had been going through, including my prayers to God. Especially how it was that I didn't know if He was listening, because I had been praying for so long to Him and it was like He didn't care.
I came home at 1:30 that afternoon.
It was about 6 that night when I checked my messages and was startled to find something awaiting me.
And at long last, after needing it, after crying for it, after praying for it for so very long, I have that which I have wanted more than anything else.
I have closure.
I can move forward with my life with no regrets now.
Except that I've gone so long with needing this, it became the focus of my earthly life. And now that need has been fulfilled. I don't have my heart burdened by it. I am finally free. God set me loose from that bondage: the captivity of a desperate heart.
And now, I don't know what to do. It's like the song says, "I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same."
The book is the biggest thing that I'm concentrating on right now, but I've no doubt that this is going to impact it. It has to. But, I think it will be in a good way. The chapter that I had finished and was previously the most difficult (before I started working on the suicide one), I've let a longtime and trusted friend read it. It has to do with an aspect of bipolar disorder that does not get a lot of discussion. My friend read it and she gave it her hearty approval. If I can write about something so intimate and it can pass muster with my friends, I think that the rest of what I'm working on will be more than okay.
Other than that, I don't know what the heck it is that I need to do, or even want to do. Not even things that I've long been interested in seem to sparkle anymore. I know there were some serious developments on the Star Wars front this past week but they don't faze me. And I don't know why that is.
Maybe I'm growing up. Or growing more.
I suppose I'll just have to now wait for God to present something new to me.
Monday, August 18, 2014
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