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Thursday, April 10, 2014

Dear readers of this blog,

Two nights ago I very nearly made the greatest mistake of my life.

Had it succeeded, another mistake, which I take full responsibility for, would have been the second greatest mistake of my life instead.

I don't know what I'm doing. I thought I did.

There are things which I cannot possibly be forgiven for and I wonder if my capacity as a writer and especially as a Christian writer is now irredeemably destroyed.

I would do anything to take back what I have done. More than I would do anything to change having, well, this.

My heart groans to be free of this world. My spirit longs to at last be unshackled and to fly away home.

I have lost loved ones and I don't know how to ever gain them again.

There are people who are going to laugh and gloat that I am saying these things. I couldn't care less. My heart lied one time too many to one friend. It will not lie here.

I don't know what I'm doing. And God is so very distant now, I cannot hear Him. Could I have heard Him at all? The times I thought I heard God, was that nothing but my disease playing with my thoughts?

I don't know.

I know nothing.

I wanted to be a father. I would have been a good father.

I wanted to be known as a good man. I wanted to be a good man, through and through.

I create nothing. I destroy everything.

I am become Death, shatterer of worlds. My own has not been spared.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.


Jenna St. Hilaire said...

Mental illness is excruciatingly common among writers. You're hardly discredited as a writer by having bipolar syndrome--you're all the more one of the crowd for it. Have you read any of The Rejectionist's interview series on the subject? It might be of interest.

You sound to me like you're terribly depressed right now. Have you called your doctor or therapist? You know you have my prayers...

Anonymous said...

Dear Chris

You are going to be a father. You are going to be an incredible father! Your children will have a father unlike any other and they will grow into the most remarkable adults because of you. If you didn't have your mental illness, would you be the good man you are today? Maybe not. Something to think on.