Every so often someone asks me the question: "Chris, why don't you have someone special in your life?"
It's not a bad question, not really. There are a lot of reasons why I don't have a woman to love. One of the biggest is that I just haven't found her yet. It seems that the prospects of that happening are dim. But my expectations are high. The woman who God might bring into my life has to love and serve Him first, more than she would me. That is not easy to find in any person, it seems.
She also has to be able to love me for who I am, lumps and all. That means accepting that I have a condition that will at times make life difficult for both of us, and I'm speaking of my having bipolar disorder. Now, that is something which has become MUCH more controlled in the past few years. It's not the monster looming over me like it has been for most of my life. But even so, it's there, and though I'm better at knowing when it's about to strike the symptoms still come.
I also know what kind of person she needs to be outwardly. I desire someone who cares about the impression she makes. And by that I mean I do NOT care for someone with tattoos and metal in inappropriate places on her body, especially on her face. I want a girl who looks natural. With symmetry. Sorry, not sorry, but tattoos on a woman are a major turn-off for me. I don't find that appealing, at all. It seems that many if not most people, including the females, are getting inked these days. That is something I'm not interested in a woman having.
My standards are high. Maybe unapproachably so. But I know what I'm looking for. A real diamond in the rough. If and when I find her, I'm going to be very thankful for her.
But even so, all of those things don't zero in on the real reason why I'm unattached. There are others. And one of then is something that I am actually very joyful about.
Something that struck me a few days ago. I told this to my friends yesterday during our belated Thanksgiving dinner together, and they thought I was right, too...
A lot of people know that one of the things I've most wanted in life is someone to share it with. I've longed for God to bring a woman into my world, who I can cherish and honor and love. Someone who can truly love me, imperfections and all, and never abandon me because of my frailties.
What's happened to that? I talk about that desire a bit in my book Keeping the Tryst. It's important enough to merit mentioning. But I haven't lamented not having a lady in my life as I used to, in quite awhile now. Though time has seen that desire magnify, not diminish.
So, what's happened?
In a word, Tammy. My dog happened.
It hit me right between the eyes this past week, the discovery that I've been so focused on giving Tammy a good life, I've been ignoring the desires I have had for my own.
I do not believe at all that that's been a bad thing.
I promised Dad, on the night before he passed away, that I would look after Tammy and take care of her. As best that I possibly could. Dad and I had gotten Tammy together but I never harbored anything more than the sense that Tammy was his dog first and foremost. He was "Daddy " to her. He was her person. The one she most followed and looked to for comfort and attention. I was just... well, I guess I was "the other guy" in the house. The spare. The one to get attention from when Daddy was too busy making dinner or something.
Tammy was Dad's dog and on his next-to-final night with us he came to enough to ask about her. And I told him that he didn't have to worry. I told Dad that I would watch over her and see to it that she was taken care of.
That was eleven years ago. Quite a while.
My promise to my father, to look after someone we both loved, has been the central mission of my life all this time. It's been the most important aspect of my being, second only to my relationship with God.
Tammy is more than a dog to me. She is family. She is the last living connection I have to my father. I cherish her especially because of that.
And she has absolutely been worth setting aside my desires for my own happiness for.
She IS happiness for me. Every day that ends with the two of us together, is something I am thankful for. It's that much more time that I can feel like I've made Dad proud of me, for taking care of his dog.
I don't count having my own desires set aside for her sake as a loss. Not at all.
I'm doing what I said that I would do. I'm fulfilling a promise. I'm being honorable. I'm doing the right thing, no matter how it looks to the world. If you've read or are reading Keeping the Tryst then you know how much my honor means to me and this, is in keeping with that.
I cannot do otherwise.
Some day, it will sadly end. I'm a realist. I know that Tammy isn't as young as she used to be. But she's still here. She's still with me. And every day that we have together is a victory to celebrate and be thankful for. Every day that we have is a gift from God. And that is never something to be regretful about.
I don't count the decade and more I've had without a woman in my life as being lost. Not at all. When you love someone enough you can very easily set aside your own needs and wants for sake of that person. And that is what Tammy is to me: a person. Dear family, and family looks after each other no matter the cost. Just one of many things that my little dog has taught me.
It may not be as big a deal as having a spouse and kids. But this is the hand that God or fate dealt me. And I am absolutely making the very most of it. I can be grateful for that.
And who knows? Maybe someday, sooner than later, God will bring a woman into my life. I think Tammy has enough love in her for another person, too 🙂
