To have happiness at the expense of that of someone I love is something I could not live with.

There are times when you have to step back and love a person from afar.

Just something God taught me last night and then again this morning.

I may or may not write more about it later.

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Tired of being hurt.

Tired of hurting others.

Tired especially of hurting those most precious to me.

Tired of this diseased, wretched mind that has cost me too much.

Tired of depression that lingers for weeks.

Tired of the drugs I must use to stay balanced and "normal".

Tired of every happiness crumbling into ashes in my hands.

Tired of not knowing if I am truly forgiven for my mistakes and my shortcomings.

Tired of being haunted by memories of things no one should endure.

Tired of being haunted by the faces of people I have loved, people I still love, and they never knew how much I have loved them.

Tired of being a hypocrite. And I know that I am.

Tired of not being a true and worthy friend.

Tired of being abandoned and discarded.

Tired of being a monster that must be shunned and avoided.

Tired of giving my very best in all things and it never is good enough.

Tired of seeing blessings be taken away, and being left with nothing.

I hate this mind and this flesh.

My spirit groans and cries to God to be delivered from these chains of fallen matter and broken thoughts. My heart and soul long to be free. To be embraced in perfect love in a place where there are no more farewells, forever.

I want to know that Heaven awaits, even for me.

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Am I an evil person?

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Life versus religion

A thought I've been contemplating the past few weeks...

Christ did not come to establish any religion.

Christ came so that we could have life, and life abundantly.

Religion and having pride in it is the destroyer of life.  It chokes life, keeps life from taking root and thriving.

Christ came to give us life, not patterns of worship.  He came to fulfill the law, not to replace the law with unduly onerous more law.

If you want to find where the kingdom of God exists on this earth, look for the joy and not the constraints. Look for the laughter, and not the pride.

Look for the life, not the religion.

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Classic SESAME STREET: Weather report

Gadzooks it had been an awful long time since I've posted anything from Sesame Street!  I need to get on the ball about that.

Well, it's a new year and since this blog just turned a couple of milestones with being ten years old and hitting 5,000 posts, maybe it's time to start some stuff fresh.  So here's a great clip to get us back on track.  I think this is from the early Eighties, 'cuz that's the first I ever saw this.  Witness poor Kermit the Frog try to keep a newscast on track despite a very wacky weatherman (or two):

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David Lynch is shooting new TWIN PEAKS material. For real.

"Diane, 11:30 AM, February 24th. Entering the town of Twin Peaks. It's 5 miles south of the Canadian border, 12 miles west of the state line. Never seen so many trees in my life. As W.C. Fields would say, 'I'd rather be here than Philadelphia.'"

-- F.B.I. Special Agent Dale Cooper

Looks like we may yet be going back to the Double R Diner for that cherry pie and a damn fine cup of coffee...

"Twenty-Five Years Later..."

".ria eht ni cisum syawla s’ereht dna gnos ytterp a gnis sdirb eht, morf er’ew erehW"

This is something I thought would be more unlikely to happen than new Star Wars movies.  Still trying to wrap my brain around the idea... not that I ever got my brain wrapped around it in the first place but anyway...

David Lynch is producing and directing new footage for Twin Peaks.

In retrospect it is very difficult to argue with the impact that this series had, however brief it lasted.  Had there been no Twin Peaks, there would have been no Lost.  There probably would have never been a revived Battlestar Galactica.  A lot of series would never have been conceived much less taken root had Twin Peaks not broken the ground first.

Premiering on ABC in April of 1990, Twin Peaks was something that television had never seen before and nearly a quarter century later is still trying to figure out.  Part murder mystery, part soap opera... and all surreal as only the mind of David Lynch could evoke.  The death of Laura Palmer was just the beginning, as Special Agent Dale Cooper - and the rest of us - descended into the logging town of Twin Peaks, Washington: a place where nothing was ordinary.  A place where everyone had a secret.  A place where... "the owls are not what they seem".

I used to own every bit of Twin Peaks merchandise there was.  I even still have the soundtrack CD here somewhere.  Angelo Badalamenti's score alone made this show haunting like nothing before or since.

The chronology of the series took place in 1989.  The Little Man from Another Place told Cooper that he would see him again "in twenty-five years".  That would be this year: 2014.  Maybe it will wrap up some of the lingering mysteries left from the show's final episode.

I wonder if we'll at last get to see Diane...

(Hat tip to friend of this blog Paul Elledge for coming across this great bit of news!)

Through the dark of future past the magician longs to see

One chants out between two worlds. Fire, walk with me.

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Abigail Sailors: Cracker Barrel waitress's prayers answered with customer's tip

I'm going to confess to something, dear readers.  I admit that things in my personal life lately have been more than a little rough.

I'm also going to admit that I'm now greatly ashamed at how I've looked more to what I've lost instead of to what God has... and what God is still... given me.

The low temperature this morning was 4 degrees Fahrenheit.  As of this writing it hasn't got much warmer.  But at least I can say that I am staying warm.  That I've got food to eat.  People who care for me.  A career that is beginning to take off beyond my wildest dreams (and that in itself was a huge answered prayer).

I have fretted over things lost and things ruined because of a condition I was born with and too much I let those define the parameters of my happiness when instead I had every reason to be happy with what God has bestowed upon me.  Because to be absolutely honest: I don't deserve any measure of happiness at all.

Things could be worse.  Things could be a lot worse.  And when I read the story of Abigail Sailors, well... this young lady's faith cuts right through the shallowness of my own.  It's something God needed me to read, especially right now.

Sailors is 18 years old.  She's a waitress at a Cracker Barrel restaurant in Lincoln, Nebraska.  Until recently she had been a student at Trinity Bible College, and had just finished her first semester studying psychology and youth ministry.  She had to leave before the spring semester so that she could work a job to take care of her family and be able to save money for a return to school next fall.

And then a few days ago two men stopped by her restaurant and asked for "the grumpiest server" the Cracker Barrel had.  Instead they got who the manager thought was the happiest: Abigail Sailors.

As she waited on them and served their food, the two men pried Abigail's story out of her.  They thought it was amazing that someone with so much going against her was so upbeat and cheerful.  But Abigail told them that things could be worse, that "I’m just thankful. Everything we went through, my attitude is: God blessed me with a lot of things. I’m doing good. That’s all that matters to me."

Long story short: the two men left her with a tip she'll never forget.  They departed the table leaving behind $6,000: one thousand to spend on her own needs and a $5,000 check made out to Trinity Bible College for her tuition.  They also left $100 to split between Abigail and another waitress.

Click here to read more about Abigail Sailors' terrific tale at JournalStar.com.

There is still good in this world.  God hears our prayers.  And God does answer our prayers.  It's stuff like this that makes me keep believing that.

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