BEING BIPOLAR, Part Twelve: Report on Mixed Episode

Being Bipolar is a series that began nearly fourteen years ago in the winter of 2011.  It is an occasional look at what it is like to live with bipolar disorder, or manic depression as many still call it.  This blogger posts a new article whenever he feels the time is ideal to write about an aspect of bipolar disorder, so that others might have deeper understanding of this disease and appreciate what it is to have to exist with it on a routine basis.  In doing this I do my best to be as honest and forthcoming as is possible.  I am not a medical professional.  However I spent several years as a peer support specialist - a person with mental illness who undergoes extensive training so as to help others with like and similar conditions - for a major state department of mental health.  I believe that this may put me in a unique position to examine bipolar disorder.  Perhaps writing this series will be in some way how I get to make up for many of the things that I have done while in a depressed state or exceedingly manic (ESPECIALLY manic).  If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please consider calling 911 or if you are able to then visit your nearest hospital emergency room.  You may also find help and encouragement from a support group, such as those sponsored by mental health advocacy organizations like the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI.org).

 

Hey hey!  Once again it has been quite awhile since I have posted anything under the Being Bipolar brand.  That last one came almost two years ago.  And a lot has changed since then...

When last you read this space, I was still working at the South Carolina Department of Mental Health (the very first mental health department among any of the fifty states, and they're dang proud of it!).  And I would still be there too, had the economy not turned so rotten.  That compelled me to seek out employment that paid better.  I spent two weeks at the car manufacturer near here...

...And then had to leave voluntarily.  The meds I take to manage manic depression made it impossible to have the fine precision finger mobility and speed to keep up.  I quickly realized that when it came to critical car components my presence was more a liability than a benefit.

After that I was at another manufacturer.  I was doing really good too!  And then two months into that job I was dismissed.  Because they discovered that I was taking medication to manage bipolar disorder.

Well, I can't really talk about that much.  There were legal proceedings and an out-of-court settlement.  It ended as best as it probably could have.  But that still left me unemployed.

Several months of work drought followed after that.  And then I was able to sign on as a substitute teacher for a local school system.  But as was reported almost a year ago that didn't last long (because ahem... I was accused of teaching high school juniors how to make high explosives).

THAT led to a job that nearly killed me.  The less said about that one, the better.  It was destroying me mentally, physically, but also spiritually.  I was never able to attend a place of worship with others on weekends, or during the week either for that matter.  My relationship with God is something that has always been precious to me, even during my worst of moments with manic depression.  For those reasons and more I left the job just before my birthday this past March.

What happened after that was practically a God-send.  A friend got me involved in training artificial intelligence systems.  We're talking real cutting-edge stuff here.  I've been able to see the AI industry from a vantage point that few get to witness.  I'm now beholding all that goes into making AI work.  Its good points as well as things that I don't believe computers will ever be able to surmount (I very strongly doubt that AI will come close to approximating real human thought, and that's a great comfort).  I consider AI training to be my true career now, and it's solid work that employs much of my educational background and experiences.

Unfortunately there are times when there is a lull between projects.  And it is during those times that I need supplementary employment.

Which brings me to where I am today.  I've been able to be a part of the establishing of the first branch in this state of a respected company that is experiencing nationwide growth.  I've been with the company for almost two months now and have really come to enjoy the community and camaraderie among the staff.  That's all that I can probably say at the moment however.  For reasons which are pretty easy to figure out.

So now we come to August 13, 2024.

I've written about having a depressive episode before, and the previous installment of Being Bipolar dealt with experiencing a manic episode.  Well, since last night I have been having a mixed episode: an entirely different beast altogether.  So I'm going to do my best to describe what this is like.

This morning I had to call in sick.  I was nowhere in any condition to handle the tasks I regularly engage in.  I probably was not even fit to drive the relatively short distance to the location.  Not when I was unstoppably blinking back-and-forth between extraordinary mania and then curling up in a ball on the sofa.

This has been a day of extremes, to be mild about it.

It started yesterday evening.  I felt it coming.  And prayed that it would pass over.  Maybe God let it be not as severe as it could have been.  As severe as it was fifteen or so years ago, when I lacked the proper medication and the counseling and the tools to deal with an episode.  Back when I had to be rocked here and fro by manic depression.  The time in my life when I caused so much damage and destruction to relationships that I cherished so deeply with those who I loved.  But that's digressing, sort of.

I sensed this coming.  And braced for the storm.  It could have been worse.  But it was harsh enough.  By 8 a.m. this morning my thoughts were racing furiously.  At 9 the swings toward the opposite direction began.

It's funny.  A little after 9 there was a brief respite.  And I found myself inspired to post the following on Facebook:

Dear God, thank You for giving me this morning. May I have a great day today. Let others see not myself but You within me, that they might be drawn to You and You alone.

 

I was hoping that the day would turn out well, in spite of how it was progressing.  And maybe I was trying to bargain with God: that I would surrender to Him and that in return He would make my day a blessed one after all.

It was not to be.

Ten o'clock.  The mania had been roaring for some time.  About this time I plummeted back into depression.  It was what ever since the symptoms first began nearly a quarter century ago I have called "the Dark Fountain".  Winston Churchill called depression his "Black Dog" that hounded his steps wherever he went.  Mine is the Dark Fountain.  When it erupts it sends dark viscous fluid seething across my neurobiology, and it takes a supreme effort to fight against those black waters or else drown in them.  And it has come close to drowning me completely at times... make of that what one will.

Today around noon I could almost hear the Dark Fountain bursting forth.  Could almost feel the waters creeping throughout my brain.  And then it stopped for a little while.  Enough to post on Facebook that I needed prayer, from whoever might be reading my words.

 

Several people responded, and I am very thankful that they did.  I believe in prayer, now more than ever.  Prayer is nothing more or less than talking with God in a personal way.  He hears our prayers.  He may not answer them as we would like for Him to... and trust me, I have prayed to Him many times over the past two and a half decades to relieve me of my own "thorn in the flesh" (as Paul described his own ailment).  He hasn't done that.  I doubt He ever will do that.  Not on this side of the veil, anyway.

 

Maybe God needs me to have a mental illness.  It's a way of keeping me humble, of having to rely upon Him, and to rely upon the prayers of others.  It would be a pretty sad and miserable world if we didn't lift each other up, somehow or another.  But again, I digress...

 

One o'clock.  Two.  Three.  I was SERIOUSLY fluctuating.  It was almost making me physically sick.  I've been trying to eat healthier lately (because, hey, it's time to admit the truth: I'm no longer in college and it's way past time that I start eating like a responsible adult, so no more frozen pizza for awhile) and later on a friend suggested that maybe this episode was triggered by my turning to healthier food TOO suddenly.  I suppose it's possible.  There can be any number of triggers of a manic or depressive (or both) episode.  Sometimes there's no apparent trigger at all: they just happen.  I mention this now, just openly wondering if the change in diet is what precipitated this latest bought with bipolar disorder.

 

And then, almost as suddenly as it began... the episode stopped.

 

Well, it was more of a tapering off.  Fortunately that occurred quicker than an episode usually does.  I could literally feel the episode coming on and now I could feel it abating.  Like a hurricane that passes over a beach, the rain decreasing until there is a measure of peace.

 

The episode was over.

 

Cost to me: a day's lost wages.  And I needed that work.

 

The alternative however, would have potentially been much worse.

 

This is what it is to have a mental illness.  But the good news is that it is controllable, to some considerable extent.

 

I no longer believe that I'm too dangerous to be with others.  Including colleagues on the job, wherever that may be.  Nor do I believe that I would be too dangerous to be in a relationship with someone, if  God were to ever bring a woman into my life (and I would never cease to be thankful to Him for that if He did).

I'm not the person who I was a decade and a half ago.  I think about the Chris Knight who existed then, who was struggling to fight against his own mind and losing that battle ever more with seemingly each passing day.  That Chris is long gone and in his place is the Chris who was always meant to be here.  Someone who can love and be loved.  Who is a hard worker, without depression being a regular hindrance. Someone who isn't going to go out on eBay one night and buy two hundred dollars of LEGO models, just because he saw The LEGO Movie and decided he needed to recreate those characters on his desk.

It's not a perfect life.  But it never will be, for any of us.  We each have our burden to bear.  Sometimes it's just more apparent than others.  I should be thankful, about mine.  I've never turned to drugs or drink to make myself not feel numbness incarnate or to stifle the excess energies.  I've never been homeless.  I've been blessed with a wonderful support system of people who sincerely care about me, just as I care about them.  When I was in southern California I got to see many people who were not so fortunate.  They were obviously mentally ill, had no permanent places to sleep at night, whose meager belongings fit inside grocery carts that were no doubt stolen from supermarkets.

In a different reality, that could have been me.

I'm not thankful enough.  To God or to the people He has put into my life.

I truly hope that someday I can make amends with the people who I have hurt, which stemmed from this disease.

That is the true burden of bipolar disorder that I bear.

Maybe God can make that be so.

 

He has done miracles before.  He can do it again.

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Well, it is a fantasy movie after all...

This is one of my favorite scenes in motion picture history.  From the 1982 film Conan the Barbarian.  Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has just freed Subotai (Gerry Lopez) from certain death.  Here we see them having dinner together.

I'll let the scene speak for itself.

It's two fast friends, enjoying a meal in each other's company.  And the conversation turns to religion.

There is no bitterness or anger.  Not an iota of hatred between the two men.  They are simply discussing their respective faiths: Subotai's in the Four Winds, and Conan's belief in Crom.

I like to think that Conan and Subotai each give the other something to think about.  Conan certainly seems impressed by the point Subotai is making about "the everlasting sky".

Conan the Barbarian is a fantasy movie.  It is very tragic that people in real life can not speak to one another about their differing beliefs without descending into scorn and hatred.  We don't think anymore.  We only react.

I don't believe that either this candidate or that one is bringing about division among the people.  The people seem to enjoy the division.  It gives them hatred of others.  It justifies their desire to destroy people who don't believe as they do.  They like to hate.  They enjoy it when someone else is hurting.

"The other candidate" is merely the rationale that they use to justify their bitterness.  Hate is a personal choice on the part of the individual.  I believe that of the candidates for President there is only one who has expressed the desire and ability to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, especially in regard to the Bill of Rights.  The other candidate does not and indeed has long expressed contempt and disdain for the Constitution.  But I am not going to "hate" that candidate for it.  I choose to not cast a vote for that candidate, and to support the candidate who I have many reasons to trust will honor the Constitution (especially in matters such as the border issue).

But I'm not going to get sucked into unwise wrath toward anyone about it.

Conan and Subotai.  Sitting together eating Lord knows what, talking about their theologies.  And appreciating each other.

Like I said, one of my favorite scenes in a movie.  So much that can be taken from watching it.

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Little girls... with GUNS!

 Is this a trend?  If it is then I hope it's a growing one!

In the past few months I've found a number of young ladies - these are girls under twelve - who are not only gun enthusiasts but are also very adept with firearms.  In every way pertaining to guns, from responsible gun handling to describing various ammo, each of these girls possesses more knowledge and expertise with firearms than most adults.

Here are a couple of examples.  And as you can tell, these ladies also command extremely authoritative and articulate voices.  No doubt a result of the confidence that they have gained from their gun ownership and use.

This first young woman, I discovered on Facebook from the ads for her father's VERY clever invention StopBox (note: I do not own a StopBox, but I do think it's pretty cool).  Meet Emma Ervin, from the state of Washington.  Current age: ten.  Emma has been owning and using guns for most of her life.  When she was seven she saved her allowance up to buy her first rifle.  She has since gone on to be a much admired and respected competitive shooter.  Emma is well versed in pistols (she currently packs a Glock as her gun of choice), rifles, carbines... pretty much anything short of a bazooka.  Emma has a page devoted to her life and shooting career at the official StopBox site and her dad maintains an Instagram page with more videos of Emma in action.

Wait, did we say videos?  Here is one of Emma, circa 7-8, explaining the four rules of handling guns safely:

 Thank you for being you Emma!

This next young woman, I discovered her this week.  Autumn Fry hails from Florida.  She is presently eleven and a half.  In another five or six years she may be dating.  If that happens the guy taking her out had better come to her door with his hat in his hands, his hands in plain sight, and a TOTALLY cheerful disposition.  Autumn is in her happy place with guns.  She understands and appreciates their designs and mechanics more than most grown-ups.  If you want a true education in firearms, you will find few instructors with as much expertise and pep as Autumn.  She has a website called Autumn's Armory along with an Instagram page.  And then there is the Autumn's Armory YouTube channel which as of this date has more than a quarter million subscribers.  For a taste of what you're in for, here is Autumn's latest video, in which she demonstrates her love for a 44 Magnum:

Autumn, when the zombie apocalypse happens, I want to be wherever you and your family are.

And to the families of Emma and Autumn and every other young girl being taught to use firearms respectfully and responsibly: this blogger salutes you.  You aren't only showing your little ladies how to protect themselves, their loved ones, and their property.  You are raising them up to have confidence and consideration.  These girls are going to go far in life, and their parents have every right to be supremely proud of them.

Y'all know of any other girls with guns?  E-mail me at theknightshift@gmail.com and I'll post about them too!

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Dear J.D. Vance: There are no second-class citizens

Something that bothers me about vice-presidential candidate J.D. Vance...

He seems to insinuate in statements both past and recent that only people who are married and/or have children should be involved in this country's politics.  They're the ones who most have stakes in America's future, he apparently believes.

Well, what about those of us who for some reason or another never got to have that kind of lasting happiness?  Do WE get afforded a say in the matter?

I've been as loyal a citizen of this country as one could probably be, without going into the military.  I came up with American values of honesty, hard work, being the best you could be... values that made this country great.  They're values that culminated in my earning Eagle Scout and I made a commitment long ago to live my life in accordance with those virtues.

Some might call me a conservative for that, and a very strong one.  If they do, that's for them to decide.  As I've tried to convey many times however I am a man of ideas, and not ideologies.  But I digress...

I have as much a stake in wanting America to be secured and prosperous for future generations as anyone else has.  I am invested as a citizen, as a Christian, as a historian with no small grasp of the issue.  I have recently begun working with others toward putting a Trail Life troop together, mostly because I believe in transmitting American ideals to the next generation of young men so that they become the leaders God intends for them to be.

Is all of that invalidated because I have no children?  Does "Make America Great Again" have any room under its tent for those of us who life was not so kind toward?

It's almost like Vance is suggesting that there are second-class citizens in America.  And that is wrong.

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"The Dukes of MAGA" (and who I am supporting in this election... for now)

I spotted this clip yesterday and it is definitely one of the better pro-candidate videos that I've ever come across.  This is the kind of thing that the more creative types of candidates' supporters should aspire toward.  For a lot of reasons I really like this one.

Behold "The Dukes of MAGA":

So, about who I'm supporting in this election.  Something I've very rarely tipped my hand about throughout the history of this blog...

As many readers know, I have a rule.  It's one that I initiated after my own run for public office years ago, and the TV ads I made for that campaign.  Here it is: I do not vote for a candidate if he or she runs a negative campaign commercial targeting an opponent.  I made three commercials and each of them was positive, upbeat, humorous at times and serious when need be.  There was another candidate in that race who went negative and I did NOT want to be like that.  I went full-throttle the opposite direction.  And I discovered something: when you're positive, you find creativity that you never knew existed.  If I'm going to vote for someone, that person has to demonstrate that not only is he or she not in the race for the power, but also that he or she has vision and imagination.

That being said, at the moment I plan to be casting my vote, for the very first time, for Donald Trump.

If Trump runs a negative television commercial, he's lost my vote.  So far though, he hasn't done that.

For now I intend to vote for Trump, and his running mate J.D. Vance.  In my sincerely held belief, Trump was the most effective and proactive president that the United States has had since Ronald Reagan.  His first term was an astounding success and I believe his second will be even better.  He made some mistakes, especially with the people he chose to be on his staff and appointments.  I like to believe that Trump has learned better.  You won't find me wearing a red "MAGA" hat, but my heart is definitely inclined toward that direction.  "Make America Great Again": what is wrong with that?  Trump in 2017 began doing just that and I believe he stands to be an even better statesman in 2025.

As for the opposition: Joe Biden has been the worst president in any living memory.  For all intents and purposes there has been no competent leadership in the White House for the past three and a half years.  Kamala Harris however would be even WORSE.

In case anyone's curious, I'm independent.  Have been for a very long time now.  I don't fit in the political parties' scheme of things.  That kind of thing never really had any appeal for me.  It means that I'm an outsider more often than not but I get to live with my conscience that much more.  I'm unaffiliated with any party.  And right now, even if I don't vote for Donald Trump, he certainly has my support.

Who knows.  Maybe I'll end up making a pro-Trump video too.

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A Midsummer Night's Post

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
if you pardon, we will mend:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.

 

"Puck" by Joshua Reynolds, 1789

 

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"Weird Al" Yankovic releases his first single in ten years!

Right when the world needs laughter the most, Weird Al comes through for us.

The last time that "Weird Al" Yankovic released a new song, other than "The Hamilton Polka" or the end credits tune from his movie, was ten years ago this week when his Mandatory Fun album dropped.  That was the final album he was contracted to produce and he said at the time that he'd probably release singles via digital platforms from now on.  But that hasn't happened yet...

Until today.

This morning Yankovic unleashed "Polkamania" upon the world.  It's one of his polka medleys of other artists' songs.  It shows how out of the loop I am though in that I can't recognize any of these tunes that Al incorporated.  And I was kind of hoping his new song would be something like a straight-up parody or a style parody... but maybe it's true, that modern music has become too homogenized to be able to readily pick out any outstanding work.  And so far as style parodies go, well... is there any unique style that Al hasn't done?  I think the guy has spoofed every form of western music except for contemporary Christian, and the guy is too respectful than to do that.

But even so, it's a new song by my all time favorite recording artist.  Just at a time when we all could use something to make us laugh and smile.  For a few brief minutes, all is right with the world.

Well, anyhoo, here is "Polkamania", which despite my unfamiliarity with its components is really a quite catchy song!

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