Monday, December 19, 2005

Post #666: The Top Ten WORST Christmas Songs EVER

The Knight Shift hits a notorious milestone with this entry: my Blogger dashboard tells me that to date I've made six-hundred and sixty-five posts on this blog. That makes the one you're reading now #666. Does that mean this article is the tool of Satan? Well whether it is or it isn't, I saved #666 for something that sounds like Hell...
The Top Ten
WORST
Christmas
Songs
EVER

Let's be clear on what this means: songs that were clearly made for humorous intent, like parodies, do not qualify. I'm looking for songs that were either attempts at serious Christmas cheer, or recordings so atrocious that it would have been a sin not to include them here. Meaning that stuff by the Chipmunks, "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Christmas At Ground Zero" and anything by Bob Rivers isn't being counted here (even though I like all of those).

Awright, on with the list...

10. "Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas" by John Denver
Nothing brings holiday cheer quite like John Denver making a plea in song to Dear Old Dad that he doesn't come home completely smashed and ruin Christmas like he does every year.

9. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" as sung by the Jackson 5
Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have something in common: they both like little children. Except Santa gives out toys and Jacko takes in boys. The first time I heard this song I could have sworn that it was a girl singing it.

8. "Jingle Bells" as sung by Barbra Streisand
Heard it just once. That was enough, thanks...

7. "Feliz Navidad" by José Feliciano
Not really "bad", just annoying! I first heard this song on Christmas Eve in 1982. I'm still trying to get it out of my head. Lisa made me put this one on the list, so blame her as much as me for it being here.

6. "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time" by Paul McCartney
Number one, the instrumentals in this makes it sound more like "A Clockwork Orange Christmas Time". Number two, the song gets way too much airplay during the month of December. One of many songs that are the bane of everyone who works in a department store or office at this time of year. "Dear God make it stop make it stop MAKE IT STOP!!"

5. "O Holy Night" as sung by South Park's Eric Cartman
It was the "Mr. Hankey" Christmas episode that ruined South Park for me (the recent Scientology episode was pretty cool though). This rendition by Cartman doesn't help matters any. I don't care if it was done for humor: singing "O Holy Night" in that kind of voice, forced into it by cattle prods... what an unholy tune.

4. "Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey" by Lou Monte
I was set to make #4 be "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" until I heard this one. Don't go looking for it, please, if you value your precious mind.

3. "Do You See What I See?" as sung by Rosie O'Donnell and Sesame Street's Elmo
Horrible, horrible duet. This one is from O'Donnell's Christmas album. I like to think that the thousands (millions?) of them that didn't sell got pushed into a landfill in Arizona and covered with cement. Elmo's voice in this should be studied by the Pentagon for use at Guantanamo Bay.

2. "The Christmas Shoes" by NewSong
Dear Lord, where do I start? There is something terribly disturbing about the thought of a little boy buying his mommy new shoes for her trip to Heaven, almost implying that Jesus Christ has a foot fetish. There's no telling how many people this song has killed from diabetic shock. People who like this song have their cable tuned into the Hallmark Channel 24/7, I'm sure of it.

1. "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" by John Lennon and Yoko Ono
Feeling suicidal this holiday season? This song will absolutely have you reaching for the razor blade. What is it with ex-Beatles trying to belt out Christmas songs anyway? At least McCartney's is happy. I present this song as Exhibit A in proving to the court how Yoko Ono totally destroyed John Lennon (along with "Imagine"). That's Yoko's voice in this song too by the way... which I thought for the longest time was some poor guy with a hernia. Just plain dreadful to listen to.


Dishonorable Mentions

There's going to be a lot of other songs that people will suggest as "the worst ever", no doubt about it. There's no way to cover all of them, but here's a few more worth noting...
"Soulful Christmas" by James Brown

"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" by Bruce Springsteen

"Christmas With The Devil" by Spinal Tap

"Santa Baby" by just about everyone (but especially Madonna)

I'll add on some more to this list if anyone suggests any others.

There you have it: my Top Ten Worst Christmas Songs Ever. As good a use for post #666 as there's ever likely to be :-)

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Happy Christmas(war is over)" ?! I was enjoying your site until I saw this! How old are you? You could not have been around when this song came out. It was the Vietnam war and the protests of the time that made this song what it was to many millions of people.

I do agree that Yoko should not have been allowed to "sing" in any of John's work.

I also agree that Paul McCartney's Christmas song should be on your list.

By the way, I'm 60 years old.

Anonymous said...

Jesus have a foot fetish? Who do you think you are? You're a moron if you don't get the message of that song. It's called the love of a son for his mother, and the guy behind him learns the real meaning of CHRISTmas by helping him out... get a life.

Anonymous said...

Its cold outside by nick and jessica

Anonymous said...

The McAuley Boys's cover of PM's Wonderful Christmas time, over and over and over and over.

Anonymous said...

YOUR AN ASSHOLE!
who the hell do you think you are!
christmas has its songs, but its christmas the "happiest time of the year" if you dont like it, change the fuckin channel.
your the kinda of guy who ruins christmas for everyone your dumbass comment.

Anonymous said...

Your Comment at the beginning "Let's be clear on what this means: songs that were clearly made for humorous intent, like parodies, do not qualify."

Then you say "This rendition by Cartman doesn't help matters any. I don't care if it was done for humor: singing "O Holy Night" in that kind of voice, forced into it by cattle prods... what an unholy tune."

So, Mr Rocket Scientist...which is it? How can it be on your list if it's satirical?

What a moron...

Juzzy said...

Alright, im trying to find this rediculous x mas song, it usually plays with the songs u have up above... somthin like "christmas is this time of year... for many (drum roll) CHRISTMAS(in this weird voice). yea deff hit me back on wat it is

Maxinfinity said...

Your list is good , wow some responders got a little fired-up. Eli from Big Slow Eel put one of my songs on the list. Check out "the Nativity Song" by Twinfinity for some laughs.
the song will probably be redone someday, the mixing and production need a new direction. Anyone want to do a cover of it ???????
Many Thanks,

Ellie said...

These are great! Thanks for the laugh. I'm with you.

The only other one that I think has to be on the list is Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. I have visions of going on a shooting spree when I hear that one.

nymphomercial said...

'The Christmas Shoes' is the worst...song...ever. You MUST hear this parody called 'The Christmas Thong':
http://thefump.com/fump.php?id=1120

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the list. I think xmas songs have deteriorated significantly in the past few years. I can't believe you didn't include "Do They Know it's Christmas." Although, Paul's is the worst. It's running through my head right now because I went shopping today. Arrgh.

Anonymous said...

"Happy Christmas(war is over)" ?! I was enjoying your site until I saw this! How old are you? You could not have been around when this song came out. It was the Vietnam war and the protests of the time that made this song what it was to many millions of people"

That's a typical liberal response: we can't see the war, so it must be over. How we were patting ourselves on the back when Vietnam ended--for us. By pulling out, the liberal "victory" in the US gave the communist forces in NVN and Cambodia free reign to kill millions--many, many times more than the war was responsible for. But the was was over. If you're a liberal, that's all that matters...

Anonymous said...

I have to disagree about Santa Baby! Eartha Kitt rocked that song way back in and it is a classic. i do agree about Madonna, though.

Lou Monte hater said...

Dominick should be number 1 XD.

Snappychuck said...

"Christmas in San Francisco", a little turd sung by Vic Damone, in which before is rhymed with pork (Yes! PORK!)

Anonymous said...

I love your list. I hate all of those songs.

Bird of Paradise said...

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER the jerk who wrote it deserves to be flogged