Monday, February 07, 2011

BEING BIPOLAR: Video Log 2: Depressive Episode #1, "I Want To Live"

I was wondering over the weekend if this might happen. And unfortunately, it has now. I am writing and posting this video during a bipolar depressive episode.

I need to reiterate something: managing bipolar disorder doesn't mean that I'm going to be totally free of its effects. There will be times when I go through episodes of severe bipolar. But I am thankful that it doesn't have to ruin my life as it has before.

I said last week in the first Being Bipolar video supplement that I intended to document a bipolar episode if and when it happened. This is the first bipolar depressive episode that I have been able to record. I don't think there's anything in this clip that most people would at all consider "disturbing" but, I wanted to give a heads-up about all the same...

And Part 4 of Being Bipolar should be up later this week! :-)

13 comments :

Anonymous said...

Chris: I am so proud of you for making yourself vulnerable and sincere in this bipolar series. I hurt to watch this and after it ended I knew that you must go through even worse hurt. You are a good knight fighting a battle that few could!

You need some cheering up so I'm going to give you some. I saw Gypsy with friends on Saturday and we loved your role! Everyone wanted to tell Rose to shut up and you did :)

God bless you!

~M

Chris Knight said...

Everyone has told me that I "have the best line of the show" :-) That's Rose Cutuli Wray playing Mama Rose and Rose's husband came to the dressing room during intermission on opening night and told me that everyone in the cast was envious... 'cuz I got to tell his wife "Shut up!" and get away with it :-) Glad you got to see it! Don't know what I'm gonna do when this run is over 'cuz this has been a LOT of fun!

Anonymous said...

I hadn't thought about what Bipolar does to affect a person. Until this series. I wish I had been more sympathetic before. Thank you Chris and I'm praying for you brother.

Robert said...

Chris we share 4 things. We have the same first name. We both have fascination with knife making. We both love Star Wars. And both of our lives has been effected by bipolar.

I had to watch my wife of 12 years be tormented by bipolar. She became someone that I didn't know. 4 years ago she took an overdose of sleeping pills and went to bed and never woke up. Our 5 year old daughter was the one to find her dead.

I know my wife didn't mean to do that. She was a person who loved life and lived for our daughters. It was the constant pain that she was in. Like you I have screamed myself hoarse trying to make God answer why He would do this to our family. Finally I had to give up and be satisfied with His grace. And it does suffice.

I know you have lost a lot too. I wish I could tell you something that would make your pain go away. You are doing something that I couldn't have done and most other people would never be able to do. God sees this Chris and there will be more reward for you in Heaven for your strength and humility here that will make up for all that you have lost. Remember that.

Keep living for the One who is the life giver!

Anonymous said...

God bless you good sir Knight! :)

Barry said...

Mental illness has to be the cruelest disease that anyone can have and bipolar is the cruelest mental illness of all. Thank you for doing this.

Michelle said...

I didn't know I was crying until the video ended.

Chris I am wondering. How long have you had bipolar?

Chris Knight said...

Michelle: I'm going to be addressing that question soon in the Being Bipolar series.

Silverbeast said...

A courageous post. I am going to forward it to everyone I know.

Anonymous said...

Brother Chris, our family will keep you in prayer and I will say a special prayer for all who have this illness. You have shown me that I have lacked sympathy for those who did need it most.

Chris Knight said...

To anonymous who posted at 9:34 this evening:

To pray for all who have bipolar, is a good prayer. And I confess that I also had no reason to have sympathy for them... until I found out too late that I was one of them.

Perhaps that is a good thing about the suffering of this world: it can make us more compassionate for each other, as God had compassion for us first.

CrawDaddy said...

Ive been reading this with much interest. Thank you for writing your story.

Anne Kensington said...

Michael, I think you are so brave for posting your blog. I myself have schizophrenia, depression and bi-polar, yes,I've run the gamut. But, I was always taught that I should be ashamed of myself for my illnesses. Until now. I never met anyone who ever made me feel like I was a person because of my illness. Now, don't think what I'm going to say is odd, but I've had 3 confirmations and I've always believed personally, because of my spiritual nature that all this is caused by evil spirits. I believe this because 25 years ago, I was into the New Age, and I had a strange experience, before I became ill, that I felt like a drill was drilling into my head and all my thoughts and sentences were falling out of my head, and I wasn't on drugs at the time. This I believe was a truly evil spiritual experience for me, and after that since I knew of no way to heal these "spiritual holes" in my head, I had to go on medication for it. Also, just before the time I went on the meds, I met a lady in a New Age bookstore in Orlando, Fl, and I told her there was a man in my head and he was talking to me, because I could see him in my mind's eye, well she yanked me to the other side of the cash register and whispered into my ear, "You're finally learning who you really are." Well, this lady scared the crap out of me. Then at that same time when I was looking for work in Orlando, I met a spiritual guru/karate teacher and I told him the same thing, and he said that I was hearing spirits. 25 years later, now a Catholic,I wrote to a priest in Japan of the Order of St. Benedict and he affirmed to me that these were indeed spirits. I admitted to him that I had been hearing "voices" for 22 years, but never allowed myself to believe that the Lord was truly and actually speaking to me. Now, though, in thinking of these bizarre incidents in my life and especially with the confirmation from a fellow Catholic who is a priest, I have allowed myself to accept the fact that, yes, I am hearing Jesus, and Mary, and the angels, Saints, and demons, who torment me at times. If it wasn't for my strong faith in God, I would have become homeless or suicidal years ago. Now, in knowing the truth and finally accepting it, and boy do I feel stronger and happier, because I know it's not me, the meds rarely help anyway, I wanted to tell you that I am still trepidatious about telling people about my issues but atleast for now, I can accept that I know, for me, that I'm not "crazy." I wouldn't announce it to anyone, because here in the deep south of West Central Florida, I'd be tagged as some kind of weirdo, I think, I know that I'm okay, and although originally it may have been my fault for involving myself in the New Age Movement way back when, I feel safer, however I must admit I do feel lonely. And, if suicide ever struck me as a real option, or going homeless, which I've thought about too, I know it would be because of my loneliness, not because I'm crazy. That may sound odd, but that's how I feel.