Sunday, April 03, 2011

Having another bipolar depressive episode

And once more I understand why some people are driven to commit suicide because of bipolar disorder. Because, death does seem a much preferable thing to what can only be called "anti-life".

I have been trying to compose the next installment of Being Bipolar. My mind has arrested me from doing that and from having interest in most of the other things that I enjoy in my life. My thoughts are on a seemingly non-stop cycle of nothingness, if that makes any sense.

So what am I doing to alleviate it? I've taken my medication and I've spent some time just trying to let my thoughts run their course (because eventually it does peter out enough to let me be productive again). Other than that, there's not much else that can be done.

I'm leaving Wednesday afternoon, for a short trip. Gonna be at that same film festival in Asheville that I attended last year. Knowing that something like that is on the horizon to look forward to, does help and it helps tremendously. If I know I have something to get excited about, it's like my mind can build up some momentum toward that, enough to be able to focus on that and escape the racing thoughts for a short while.

But in the meantime, I'm stuck with my thoughts holding me captive in a state of not living, not caring, not being empathetic or sympathetic to anyone or anything. I am currently alive and un-live.

And not for the first time, not for the last time, I am wondering why God would allow this to happen to anybody.