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Thursday, April 17, 2014


Started lithium yesterday.

Have never been on lithium before. Had I been on it 15 years ago my life would have turned out completely different, no doubt. But there's no good to come speculating on what might have been. I could have accomplished some things, but missed doing a lot of other good ones.

I'm feeling rather intoxicated at the moment. I could write anything. But it's not "drunk" per se. My mind hasn't been this free from struggling against itself in at least ten years. The core of my being isn't used to this.

It probably won't last forever. I'm not counting on it. As with everything else with having bipolar there are good days where everything clicks and there are bad days when nothing works. But for the time being I am immensely thankful for this little season of rest.

Should I write about how tempted I was to take my own life last week? I guess I just did. That's okay. It's common. People with mental illness who have suicidal ideations aren't "bad" at all. You have to have this to understand the kind of pain that it is. And it's a deep, DEEP pain. Pain that is extremely difficult to endure. Suicide is a horrible tragedy, but it's not a flaw in a person's character. I've been there. I hope nobody will judge me for harboring that kind of pain and thoughts about wanting it to stop.

Lithium is documented to severely reduce the risk of suicide. I'm beginning to understand why. The depression has been unbelievably absent during the past several days. But I can't credit medication for that. I've had a LOT of wonderful friends and family who have held me up in their prayers and I can't doubt that God has been with me during this time. All the thanks must go to Him and to them.

And I'm working on a project about being bipolar that might be... I dunno, "interesting"? It's something that I'm not holding back on anything. What it's like to have bipolar, the hurt I've felt, the hurt I've inflicted on others (especially family and friends), the drugs I've taken. But also some other things not directly related to mental illness. We'll see how it goes.


Anonymous said...

Lithium is one of the first drugs usually prescribed for bipolar. Do you know why it wasn't prescribed before? Just curious.

Chris Knight said...

It's a very good question. I don't have a really sufficient answer to be honest. Maybe there were other medical issues to consider. I'm going to look into it with my physician at my next appointment and will make an attempt to share what he/she/it/they tell me.

Chris Knight said...

Okay, just a thought...

Maybe the reason I wasn't given lithium until now... was because last week I came the closest I ever have to committing suicide.

I'm not making that up and I don't care if the world knows it. I set out to write about being bipolar and I did so knowing that I HAD to be utterly HONEST about it.

If it were not for the prayers and encouragement from people who I will forever be indebted toward, there would have been every chance that I would not be writing these words right now.

That's as much as I'm going to divulge about what happened. It's something I absolutely could not hold back from telling my doctor about. I'm now on lithium.

That is the only thing that comes to mind about why only now have I been given lithium.

You want a visual image about why some people with mental illness commit suicide? Go watch Pi, which was Darren Aronofsky's first film (and still his best). Toward the very end, Max can't take anymore of what the numbers are doing to his mind. It is *excruciatingly* painful to endure. While looking at himself in his bathroom mirror Max takes a power drill and starts drilling into his own skull to let it all get out.

I've been there. So have a lot of other people. Looking at yourself and wanting to make an exit for all that hurt to come out. No, I've never put a REAL drill to my head, but I'll assume that image can be appreciated.

KB said...

I have Bipolar Disorder and was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder last year. Wanting to kill yourself is something I'm only too experienced at. It's not because I wanted to leave everyone behind, it's because it hurts UNBELIEVABLY and I wanted the pain to stop just like you said. Thank you for talking about this. Most people couldn't do it.

What does the new Latin phrase mean?

Jeroth said...

I came to this site hunting down a reference to Gary Gygax and was intrigued to find it was a Christian who was writing about him. I was not prepared for you to suffer under this disease, let alone to be so honest about it. I want to thank you for that. In one of your Gygax posts you mentioned the phrase that the Christian army is the only one to shoot its own wounded. This has always been sad to me, not simply for the countless believers who have been hurt by such callousness, such wickedness, but because it shows how little we Christians understand the grace of our Lord. He did not simply welcome the hurting in need of healing, He sought them out. Nor did He ever rebuke someone for seeking help from doctors but healed after all other options had been exhausted. I hope that this medicine helps you. I hope that our Father uses it to heal you. I hope you know joy deeper than you have ever known and the depths of our Father's love for you. I hope this message helps, if only a little. As one who has struggled with depression and suicide, I know how alluring such thoughts can be when they strike. The end of suffering, the end of struggle...just the end, period. What has changed for me is all of the joy I hope for in Heaven I am experiencing increasingly here. I hear our Father now and know Him better and better all the time. It has made all of the difference. It's what I learned in the darkness. It's why I'm no longer in darkness. It gives me hope, that I will indeed hear His voice saying, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." And it gives me hope that you will see far better days that get better all the time and that you will know the full healing of our Father, in this life and the next. It gives me hope that our Father can use the words of an unknown brother to offer comfort that is in any way useful (2 Cor 1:3-7). Thank you for persevering. You are doing well.