It occurred to me today, while at a school working with a group of special needs kids, that this week is an anniversary of sorts for me.
It was ten years ago on February 1st that "the voice" spoke to me. The words that eventually propelled me to leave most of my life behind and go into the unknown.
The full account is in the last chapter of the longest section of my book, if anyone wants the complete tale. The short version of it is that I was at a very low point in my life. I had just had an argument with someone in my family. Things were said that sent my mind spinning in confusion. I felt alone, lost, abandoned... and completely hopeless.
And then, without warning, something spoke straight to my heart. In words, that it was like I could almost hear with my ears. They came so clearly, and of their own accord. I know that I couldn't have whipped them out of my own mind.
This is what the voice said:
"Chris, what are you doing? You know your father isn’t coming back. He wouldn’t want you to be this way. And you know that this isn’t where you want to be. You have gone as far as you can in Reidsville. You are a big fish in a small pond here. You know this isn’t where you want to fall in love and have a family.
"You know that you want more than this. You’re not going to find it here. You’re never going to become the man that your father knew you could be if you remain. This house isn’t where you want to spend the rest of your life and you know that you aren’t the invalid your family believes you must be.
"So… go! Just GO! Pack up your car with Tammy and the bare essentials and leave. Take your part of the sale of the house and head off. Don’t plan it. Just do it. Let Me guide you. Let Me show you where you need to be in the world. Take a leap of faith, as you have never done so before. Trust Me, Chris. It will be hard. You won’t find your happiness quickly. But you will find it. Keep the tryst, as you promised you would. Leave and be free, as you could not be before. This is your moment, Chris. All you need to do is grasp it and follow Me. Twenty years ago you committed to seeking after Me, and now you get to do that as you never have."
I really do, truly believe, that God spoke to me that night. And for the first time I saw hope. I saw promise. I saw freedom.
It would be the most daring thing that I had ever attempted. Much more daring than flying off to Europe on my own when I was nineteen, even. It was a notion that might otherwise strike terror in someone's heart. But I coudn't deny what I had heard spoken to me. Those words thrilled and enthralled me. It would be such an adventure. Chris and Tammy: A boy and his dog, set off into the world beyond the horizon. Tell me that doesn't entice you to want to see what would happen!
Well, it is now ten years since I heard those words. And a lot has happened in that time. Tammy and I did indeed get into my car and left Reidsville, one Sunday morning in mid June 2016. We spent a year across America. Then we spent a year and a half with friends who gave us a home while I was able to address my bipolar disorder as I'd never been able to before. That in time led to a career, a real one, getting to help others who also have mental disorders. Then I had to sadly leave that job because of external circumstances, and here I am today: still calling myself an artificial intelligence trainer but mostly clinging on as a substitute teacher. All the while writing a book about my life up to this point.
Am I happy? Am I really happy? I would be lying if I said that I was. The life that I thought would have come about by now, is as elusive as ever it seems. If anything I'm hanging on by my fingernails more than ever. There is no hope that I can see of being in a relationship with someone, and that's something that I very much had hoped and prayed for.
What good was it after all, to have left it all behind? Some of my family wanted me to be confined to an assisted living environment. They said that my manic depression made it impossible for me to have a normal life. Were they right?
I don't think they were. Because despite how things turned out... I think God kept His word. And I have to think that He is still keeping His word. He did warn me that happiness would not come soon. That there would be some waiting for it. I've had to be patient for that. In the meantime though, since that night in 2016, there has been too much than to believe that it's been a complete waste. It hasn't been that at all! My bipolar disorder is much more under control than it ever has been, and I think my spending almost four years as a peer specialist was a big part of that recovery. I've written and published a book that's over 500 pages long (but a lot of people who've read it have said that it reads REALLY fast 🙂 ). Tammy and I are still together, and hopefully will be for years yet to come. I may not have the best of cars but it's still running (but I'm knocking on wood all the same). We have a roof over our heads. I'm producing more material for my blog than I was ten years ago, so however much I feel like I've lost it as a writer there is still that much getting written...
Most of all, I've become closer to God than I ever have been before. I'm at a place with Him that for a very long time I didn't think it would be possible. That I could be here with Him, now, seemed so unreachable a point to come to. And yet here I am. And I hope that comes out in the book especially. I've said before that Keeping the Tryst is many things. Being a testimony is one of the most important. If I was able to write that, well... I guess that has to mean something, right?
I hope there is going to be more still to come, of what God said would happen if I trusted Him enough to leave my old world behind me. Maybe the past decade has been preparation for that. I like to think so. But all by itself, the past ten years have been an enormous journey across space and time and heart and soul. Like Bilbo Baggins, I am not the same person as when I first set out.
That alone makes the past ten years worth it.
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