It's a major holiday. Family's having a big dinner. What the heck did you THINK that I'd be doing?!

Just as with every Thanksgiving and Christmas (and a few times in between) for the past two years, last night I hauled out the propane burner and stainless-steel pot, and played around with 350-degree hot peanut oil and a turkey all pumped-up with garlic butter...
The finished product:Given that I didn't get to marinade this one as soon as I would have wished, it came out very tender and juicy. Hey it went fast so I guess that's the highest compliment a cook can receive, right? :-)

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"Nuts!"

It was 60 years ago today, on Christmas 1944, that one of the more amusing incidents in military history took place. General Tony McAullife of the 101st Airborne, U.S. Army was approached by Nazi envoys. A few weeks earlier Hitler had thrown the full weight of what remained of the German army into the Ardennes... his last great gamble to win the war. What would become known to history as "the Battle of the Bulge".

McAullife's forces, based in Bastogne, Belgium, were almost completely surrounded. The Nazis seemed certain to overrun them without mercy. Nonetheless the Germans thought the polite thing to do would be to ask McAullife to surrender. That's what they suggested they do after the envoys arrived in camp.

McAullife's terse reply: "Nuts."

The two envoys looked at each other, confused and not sure what this was supposed to mean.

"What, you want me to write it out for you?" McAullife barked. He reached over for a sheet of paper and a pen, and wrote what is considered to be history's briefest-ever communique between enemy forces...

TO: The German Commander

Nuts!

From: The American Commander

Why is it that wars just don't have the great characters in them like they used to?

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At last: A chance to use the "Dead Parrot" sketch!

From GOPUSA...

Congressman Mocks Parrot Arrests
By Bobby Eberle
Talon News
December 22, 2004

WASHINGTON (Talon News) -- Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) issued a statement on Tuesday contrasting the government's zeal in preventing parrots from Mexico from illegally entering the country with their efforts to stop illegal immigration in general.

Under the headline "Apparently There Are No Jobs Available That American Parrots Won't Do," Tancredo said he was surprised to learn of the "incredible success that Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers enjoyed in apprehending smugglers attempting to illegally smuggle 150 Lilac Crowned and Mexican Redhead Amazon Parrots into the United States."

The statement points out that ICE, however, has not had the same luck in preventing an estimated 3 million illegal alien human beings from swarming into the U.S. annually unchecked.

"It's nice to see that ICE has their priorities in order," quipped Tancredo, head of the Congressional Immigration Reform Caucus. "Now that we appear able to successfully identify and apprehend parrots attempting to enter the U.S. illegally, perhaps doing the same with people is just around the corner."
(snip)

A customer enters a pet shop.

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you
show...

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Click here, as if you don't know how the rest of this thing goes.

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Celebrating the Christmas season means celebrating the memories

The following is something that I wrote in December 1998 while an op-ed columnist on my college newspaper. A little while ago I found the original file of it that I'd saved to disk from the paper's website when it got published. Thought it might be a neat thing to bring back six years later since Christmas is a few days off.

Originally published in The Pendulum, Elon University, 12/03/1998

Celebrating the Christmas season means celebrating the memories
Chris Knight
Columnist

     Some of the best memories that we take through life are about the times we cherish the most. And sometimes, it doesn’t take much to bring back the joy.
     Last Friday as I was driving around Greensboro, the all-time coolest Christmas song ever came over the speakers.
     Who knows what this genius recording artist’s name is? Does it really matter? Whoever he is, he’ll forever be remembered as giving us the immortal sound of “Dogs Singing Jingle Bells”:

Arf arf arf,
Arf arf arf,
Arf Arf Whoof Whoof Whuf…

     Ahh... you know how it goes.
     And there’s the ever-beuh-beuh-beauh-beautiful rendition of Porky Pig singing “Blue Christmas” and the Chipmunks and of course “Weird Al” Yankovic’s “Christmas at Ground Zero,” but hearing those dogs singing “Jingle Bells...” ahhhhh.
     It brought me back to the very first time I heard that: on the radio coming back from school just before Christmas in 1982. I was in third grade at the time. And it brought back memories of the Christmas we had.
     It was cold and very cloudy. I remember that because Santa had brought me a telescope and I didn’t get to use it that night. Which wasn’t too big a worry, ‘cause me and my sister had our brand-new Atari 2600 to play with!
     Another Christmas memory: To this day, I’ll never forgive Anita for the pounding she gave me in “Combat.” I don’t care how fancy Sega or the Playstation get... they’ll never touch the 4-bit pleasures of the Atari!
     There have been many a Christmas since then, and I remember each one well, for all the little things they had with them.
     I’ll never forget Mom and Dad taking me and my sister to see Santa Claus at the mall in ‘84. That morning Dad asked if I’d come with him to cut firewood, so we rode the tractor into the woods. There had been snow earlier in the week, which lay around us in the crisp, cold morning.
     Dad also brought his 30-30 rifle, why I still don’t know. After we had the wood loaded, Dad asked if I wanted to try shootin’ the gun.
     There I was, a ten-year old kid, holding what looked like an anti-aircraft cannon in my tiny hands. Well, I aimed at this tree like Dad told me to, and pulled the trigger.
     To this day I cannot describe the colors that flashed before my eyes, or the sound in my ears. When my existence finally returned, I was flat on my back in the snow, and blood was gushing from between my eyes where the scope had hit my nose from the backfire.
     That night Santa saw the bandages and said “Ho ho hoooo, and what happened to you, little fellow?”
     “I got shot, Santa,” was the only thing I knew to say.
     Hey, was I gonna lie to the Big Man? Uh-uh, no way was I gonna lose all that loot!
     The following year’s Christmas I remember for many things, but especially feeding the young calves on our farm. It would be the last year our family would be running a dairy farm, and I had started helping with some of the work around the barn.
     Dad set up a Christmas tree in the milking room, with wrapped-up boxes beneath it.
     Tinsel hung from the front doors of the barn. And there was something about the feel of the place there, that has always held a special place in my heart, as if we knew that there would not be another Christmas like this one.
     I wish there had been another Christmas on the farm, because there’s something I wish I could have seen. And as silly as some people might find this, I really believe that it happens.
     You see, if you go out at midnight on Christmas Eve, you will see all the animals in the farmyard, and in the fields, and in the forests, and wherever else they may be, stop where they are.
     And then they kneel.
     They kneel in remembrance for another night, long ago. It was Christmas, but how many people could know it then?
     Nothing remarkable, to be sure: Caesar had decreed a census through the land, and each man went with his family to his town.
     One man in particular took his wife, a young woman quick with child. But there was no room for them at the inn. So that night, in a dirty and filthy stable and surrounded by animals, a child was born.
     You see, it’s easy for us to forget. At this time of the year, we are too overwhelmed by the consumption and the material and the glitter /and all the customs that come with Christmas.
     And it’s too easy for us to forget that Christmas is, before everything else, a birthday.
     But the animals, who watched over Him as He lay as a newborn babe, two millenia ago... the animals have not forgotten.
     And so they kneel every Christmas and give glory to the newborn king, and in awe that God would send His Son to live among us in the greatest act of love.
     And to teach us many things, but especially to “love one another”. And to bridge the gap between man and God.
     The birth of Jesus Christ: the greatest Christmas present there will ever be. His birth, which would give mankind the greatest present it could ever ask for.
     Who in the world on that night could know the price that this present would someday have?
     Heaven and Earth sang praises to His glory on that night. The animals have always remembered that night. And Heaven and Earth still praise and sing unto Him.
     And if you only take a little time out from how busy things become at this part of the year, you can hear the singing, too. And it is a great temptation to join in that chorus.
     And perhaps in hearing, we will not forget the real meaning of Christmas, either.
     This Christmas Eve night I plan to be outside, with the same telescope that I got for Christmas all those years ago, and trying to envision a bright star over Bethlehem. Around midnight, I’m going to take a walk over to my aunt’s farm.
     Merry Christmas. Peace on Earth, and goodwill toward men.

Dedicated to the memory of W.C. “Mutt” Burton, for whom Christmas was always “In My Bones.”

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Ron Paul on why it CAN happen here (maybe it won't if politicians feared getting shot)

U.S. Representative Ron Paul from Texas has posted a great piece titled "It Can't Happen Here". It's aimed squarely at those who believe that government can do no wrong so long as "their guys" are in power. Brilliant read and it's worth taking the time to digest.

I'm going to write more about this later, but I've been doing some thinking lately about freedom and what is required to guarantee freedom in a country like America, because it's NOT going to be guaranteed or even well-regarded by this present government. And here's what I've come to realize: a people will remain a free people when (A) they make their individual consciences answerable to a higher authority than man's, (B) they regard their fellow man's right to life, liberty and right to own property and to pursue God as their own consciences lead them, (C) hold individual life to be of the highest sanctity, (D) will NEVER take another life unless it becomes absolutely necessary, but (E) if they are compelled to take a life, they will have both the means and the mind to do so.

There is a reason why the founding fathers included the Second Amendment into the Constitution: so that we the people might shoot and kill our politicians before they can shoot and kill us. Which IS NOT saying that we start assassinating elected officials just yet... but elected officials and their government SHOULD have a healthy fear of the people all the same. Hey, we've lived in fear of government officials for too long, why not make THEM afraid of US?

Therein lies the balance between the individual and the state. And if one is favored more than the other, there cannot possibly be a free people. So, I'm going to agree with Ron Paul bigtime on this, with this caveat: that things have come to the point when the American people should NOT allow a police state to come into being, by resisting the rise of such a state by any means necessary. The soap box if at all possible. The bullet box if all else fails. And we shouldn't have to make apologies for it if/when it happens.

Like I said, I'll write more about this later.

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Am running a contest... sorta.

Will have to wait a few days to see how this turns out ('cause it might not yield much of anything) but here's the setup: I'm an avid player of the Star Wars Galaxies online role-playing game and lately I've been winding up with WAY more loot inside the game than I know what to do with. Good loot, we're talking. Stuff that people pay a fortune both in-game (and out-of-game) to possess. I had to get rid of it 'cuz I'm running out of room to hold it all, but I'm too nice a guy to exploit anyone in giving it to 'em and charging an outrageous price.

So I posted a notice on the message board for the server I play on, telling everyone that between now and Thursday morning I'm taking 200-words or less written contributions about the funniest thing they've experienced during the Christmas holidays, with the intent of rewarding those who submit with some of this good merchandise. They get it for free and I'm going to post the funnier ones here on The Knight Shift. I get nothing in return except the satisfaction of helping a fellow player out. I know, it ain't much to really boast about in the greater scheme of things... but big things start with little ones, right? :-) Anyway, will hopefully post some hilarious entries here later this week.

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"The Christian right's 2 masters"

That's the title of Kyle Williams' article on WorldNetDaily this week. And it just might very well be the most powerful thing that this incredible young man has written yet.

Go read it. Now.

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