Review of GODZILLA (2014)

The last time I saw a movie called Godzilla on a big screen it was 1998, the evening before its official release date.  Two hours later I asked Chuck Buckley, my fellow columnist at Elon's newspaper The Pendulum, what he thought of it.

"I thought it sucked!", Chuck replied.

I had to concur.  That night sticks out in memory as one of the worst experiences I've had at a movie theater (though incredibly I didn't walk out: Star Trek Nemesis would be the first to get that dubious honor... and the nice ladies at the theater had let me watch that one for free!).  Godzilla 1998 was a travesty of celluloid: bad plot, bad dialogue, bad direction, bad best boying, bad catering...

...and the worst Godzilla ever.  No, nevermind.  That wasn't Godzilla.  I don't know what that was.  It was G.I.N.O: Godzilla In Name Only.  That slithering sacrilege bore no resemblance whatsoever to the classic Toho's Toast of Tokyo.  If only Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich (who had previously given us Independence Day) had called their creature something other than Godzilla, I would have probably been forgiving and accepted it for what it was: a giant monster movie.  But noooooooo... they promised us Godzilla, and instead we got a Fraud-zilla.

I'm a huge fan of the original Godzilla, the original 1954 movie initially released as Gojira (absent the scenes with Raymond Burr) in Japan.  To me Godzilla was never a giant monster movie.  The original movie was meant to be a dead-serious film about nuclear warfare in the aftermath of the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  Godzilla was the result of man's incapacity to grasp the darker science he had unleashed upon the world.  He was never meant to be "cute" or "cuddly" and he certainly isn't supposed to be an anthropomorphic "father figure" type (yeah I'm looking at you Minilla).  Godzilla, to me, is not a character.  He is a force of nature: the biblical Leviathan, fury personified.  An entity beyond the means and devices of man.  Godzilla, when he is best handled, simply is.  And to date only two movies have given Godzilla the treatment he deserves: 1954's Godzilla and Godzilla 1985 (a film rife with problems but otherwise a fitting proper sequel to the original).  And for as long as I can remember I've wondered if an American studio could produce a Godzilla motion picture that went back to the roots of what Godzilla is, and tap into that and give the King of the Monsters the appreciation and respect he demands.

Well folks, I just came back from seeing Godzilla, the 2014 film and good googely moogely, they did it.  They nailed it.  This is at long last the modern take on Godzilla that I've wanted to behold for way too long.  This is how you do Godzilla, people!  By making him a force of nature as unstoppable as an earthquake or a hurricane.  And the more I think about it, the more I'm growing in the opinion that this Godzilla movie is in many ways better than the very first Gojira (a film that will forever be among my favorites).  It occurred to me that in the original movie Godzilla very nearly destroys Tokyo completely... but we're never given an explanation why he's doing it.

That is not the case with Godzilla 2014.  In this movie Godzilla destroys a lot more real estate, stretching all the way across the Pacific basin.  And there is a very plausible and believable purpose behind his rampaging.  It has to do with the MUTOs (Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms) which have come out of hibernation, and which themselves are some of the gnarliest designs for giant monsters ever put on film.

But you don't want to know about them as much as you do about the star of the show.  This is Godzilla folks, in every conceivable aspect.  But along with much of the rest of the movie, you shouldn't hear it all from me.  Better to go in cold and behold Godzilla with your own eyes and take in what can only be described as the magnificence of this colossal beast.

Effects wise, this could be described as practically a perfect movie.  The effects blend in seamlessly with the characters and the story, without ever being overwhelming.  The battles between Godzilla and the MUTOs are perhaps the biggest and most destructive ever depicted in a motion picture (and you thought that the fight between Superman and Zod in Man of Steel last year was something.  Ooh-bruddah...).  And just wait'll you see the HALO jump into the city.  If you think you could jump from 30,000 feet into the midst of a ruined city being thrashed to pieces by monsters the size of ten city blocks, you are a better person than I.

But all of this is for naught without a very human tale being told, as we watch all of these people caught up in the wrath of the titan.  Ken Watanabe, always a great actor to watch, has a prominent part as a Japanese scientist named Serizawa (a nice homage to the 1954 original film).  The main story focuses on Ford Brody (Aaron Taylor-Johnson), a U.S. Navy ordnance disposal officer trying to return to his family and see them to safety.  But for me the standout performance belongs to Bryan Cranston as Joe Brody, Ford's father.  In flashback we watch Joe lose his wife in a horrific accident: something which sends him into an obsessive spiral, incapable of moving forward with life.  Cranston pours a heap of passion into the role and it makes a significant contribution to one of Godzilla 2014's biggest strengths: these are people, and we genuinely come to care for them.

As I was entering the theater a man was exiting, talking on his cell phone and I overheard him say "it was the best Godzilla ever and I've been a Godzilla fan all my life".  Leaving Godzilla 2014, I would have to say the very same thing.  It is absolutely the best Godzilla film yet brought to the screen in the entire sixty years of the franchise, and director Gareth Edwards and his crew deserve the highest accolades for giving the big green guy the respect due him.  I'm looking forward to seeing it again with friends this coming week: not just to enjoy it once more but to see the looks of awe, shock and delight on their faces.

Godzilla 2014 gets this blogger's highest recommendation.  It's absolutely worth catching in first run (and I'm looking forward to watching it in IMAX soon).

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Happy Birthday to George Lucas

The Knight Shift wishes George Lucas all the best - and a lot of appreciation - on this, the occasion of his 70th birthday!

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Lithium, Part 3

I need to write more.

Let me restate that.  I need to write more here, on this blog.  Because if I write more here, maybe it will help me as I write more elsewhere.

First, an update on the lithium.  I visited my psychiatrist a few days ago (funny how I can say the word "psychiatrist" in reference to my own situation and not feel ashamed or embarrassed about it, when once upon a time I could not possibly do such a thing) and it was the first time I've been back since going on the lithium carbonate.  We agreed to the lesser dosage that I've been on the past two or so weeks.  The original - taken three times per day - was giving me a seriously funky comprehension of the world around me.  Downright overwhelming, even.  I had to lower it in order to function and be able to concentrate on my writing, both for my book and my work.

But now I'm in another bout with severe depression.  And despite doing my best to work through it, well... yesterday and today have especially been hell.

The lithium makes bearing through it easier.  And I can go up on it if I need to.  If I need to.  But it comes at a cost: lithium, I have found, takes a toll on my creativity.

I can either be stable (more or less) and lose touch with much of my imagination, or I can be operating on all cylinders and tempt the edge of madness.

There is a demonstrable correlation between extreme creativity and mental illness.  This is what that looks like in my own personal case.  I am bipolar and bifurcated.  Regardless of which side the coin lands upon, I am both blessed and cursed.

My depression is compounded with regret.  There were too many yesterday.  Mom has been gone for more than two years and... I'm trying, I'm really trying, to move past not just her passing but also things left unsaid between us.  I have tried avoiding them as best I can these past few years but now they hit hard, harder than ever.

Dear readers, please take away this if you take nothing else from me writing right now: don't leave things unsaid between you and the people you care about.  Leave no stone unturned.  If there is something between you and someone else, go to them and make things right.  Don't let pride come in the way of that.  Pride is the destroyer of relationships.  It works like a cancer to eat away at all love, and joy, and hope.  Pride keeps us from doing that which we know is right.  Pride shuts our hearts and stops our minds from comprehending things we do which we will... we will... come to regret, if not now then certainly years down the road.  And by then it will be too late.

At least once in my life, I have been shut out and away because of pride.  More times than that, I have been the one who has shut others aside because of my own pride.  And every single one of those times, I have come away with hurt that I will carry for the rest of my life.

I've hurt others because of my pride.  And I've also been hurt because of the pride of others.

There is no hurt like there is to have mental illness, and to be ignored and shunned and put aside by people you care about.  It means to be exiled from the community of friends and family you have built around you.  To be made to know in no uncertain terms "you aren't good enough.  You aren't worthy.  You don't belong with us."

It's not all because of mental illness, I know.  Losing the genetic lottery isn't the entire reason.  There are also the behaviors themselves stemming from mental illness.  It's a funny thing though: those behaviors are much the same as those of someone who acts irrationally because of drink or drugs.

I don't drink.  I don't do drugs.  And neither do a lot of people who have mental illness, be it bipolar disorder or whatever.

Maybe having a condition like that makes it easier to not forgive a person than it would if someone didn't have bipolar disorder.  No matter how much sincere regret, how much we beg forgiveness for the pain and grief we cause... the pain and grief that I have caused... by merit of having such a condition we are to be disregarded.

To long for, to cry out even for forgiveness and yet to never know it.

There is a word for that: "Hell".

I have written before that mental illness is Hell.  And that is the worst part of it.  It seriously, truly does feel at times like utter abandonment, with nothing but regret surrounding me.  Being abandoned by everyone, and at times that means sensing the vacuous absence of God Himself.

Mental illness has taught me a lot about pride.  It has taught me how pride has led me to hurt, and it has taught me how pride has led to being hurt by others.

I wish there had been no pride, on either Mom's part or my own.  And now that's all gone.  There is no hope for clearing away everything between us on this side of Heaven.

Did she have mental illness?  In retrospect... I think so.  She did some very horrible things.  Things that no loving mother should ever put her children through.  And I struggle with forgiving her for them.  I struggle because if she had mental illness, I need to forgive her just as I long for forgiveness.  From people who I have known and loved, and many of them are no longer in my life.

I long for forgiveness from others, though I wrestle to forgive one of the closest people in my life.

You can call me a hypocrite.  I know that's what I am.

Don't let the sun go down on your anger.  Don't let pride destroy the most precious thing we have in this world:

Love for one another.

So, I'm wrestling with deep depression, and still trying to achieve balance between the black dog (as Winston Churchill called his) of bipolar and the roaring engine of creativity.  Work on my book stalled out during the past several days because of the depression: it is a horrible thing to want to engage one's mind when it refuses to be interested in anything whatsoever.  However I am praying that passion will persist, and that perseverance will prevail and perceptively percolate as some profound product.

Incidentally, I have begun to take up painting.  And I am soon to start taking dulcimer lessons.  Maybe the lithium is having a more beneficial impact on my mind than I had anticipated.

Even so, I need to write more.  For my personal reflection and sharing what it is like to go through an especially rough period of bipolar depression (and a tad bit of mania) and also to keep my skills sharp.  If I can write here and elsewhere, then perhaps that will lend itself to writing my book.  Which has 14 chapters planned out so far, including one that will raise everybody's eyebrows.

(It's the chapter on sex.  Consider yourself warned.)

Two books which I have read recently which I must highly recommend to those with bipolar and/or depression, and to those people such as these in their lives: An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison (who is herself a person with manic-depression disorder, aka bipolar) and Depression: Looking Up from the Stubborn Darkness by Edward T. Welch.  The latter was recommended to me by a dear friend, who I cannot thank enough for pointing me to this resource. Welch writes from a Christian perspective and his book has become a tremendous encouragement in regard to depression.

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Lithium, Part 2

Am now at the start of my third week on lithium carbonate, better known in the common vernacular as plain old "lithium".

Lithium has been a funny drug for me.  On one hand it has worked wonders with the depression: something which I've had to endure a particularly excruciating bout with during the past month.  The thoughts of wanting to be dead - really the thoughts of not wanting to "be here" anymore as opposed to seriously wanting to be dead - are no longer actively present.  Not "gone", but not impacting my daily life right now.  I don't want those thoughts to ever be truly gone.  If they were, I wouldn't remember what that depth of depression is like.  If I don't remember, there is nothing of the pain from which to learn and to grow from.

On the other hand lithium has accelerated my awareness of the world around me, and in some ways to almost as debilitating a degree as I was without it.  I'm unclear as to whether it's because I'm still getting used to the medication or because it's been longer than I can remember since I had this clear a perception of the world absent either the mania or the depression.  (AUTHOR'S NOTE:  Do NOT go off lithium cold-turkey if you have the same experience with this drug.  Talk to your doctor before making any changes to your drug schedule.)

I want to believe that one of the reasons God has made me have bipolar and especially the depression part of it is so I can help those who are also suffering from this.  Perhaps that's not really for me to ascribe purpose to, but it's one of the things which I cling to.  I have to believe that there is some meaning behind this.  That God doesn't let things happen for no reason, and this especially.

Anyway, I'm now well into my regimen of lithium.  I'm due for bloodwork soon, because lithium is something which needs consistent monitoring: making sure that it's being absorbed in the proper amount, both for its effects and also so that its more deleterious effects are avoided (namely with the liver).  As for how it's been working...

Like I said, the suicidal thoughts are being readily suppressed.  The depression isn't gone completely but neither am I curled up on the sofa with numbed thoughts racing through my head and making me unable to work... and I do need my work.  But to work I have to overcome the paralyzing thoughts of nullility (I made that word up).  Some might think it's ridiculous to hear that one is unable to compel his own mind to think.  For me it's not ridiculous, it's only too real.  I'm regaining an ability to think and to write.

It's time which I'm putting to good use, because I am writing a book about my life with bipolar disorder.  Lord only knows if it will ever be published.  If nothing else I'll be able to honestly say that I've written a book.  It's going to be about everything pertaining to being bipolar: the manic phases and what they drove me to do, the depression, the costs of bipolar in terms of friendships and marriage and career opportunities, the drugs, and also some surprisingly positive aspects of bipolar.  Along with a few other... well, things not normally associated with mental illness.  I think it will all make sense though.  It will also be as brutally honest as anything posted on this blog.  More so, even.

To write that we've had to adjust my medication slightly, including the lithium, because it's worked well.  It's worked too well!  My awareness has been drastically heightened.  So much so that even going outside to walk Tammy (my miniature dachshund) became overwhelming in terms of sight and sound.  The "easy" choices are to either be manic and have my creativity run rampant, or to be in depression and then my thoughts be empty, vacuous, numb to all stimuli.  It hearkens back to the hell curve which I wrote about a few years ago.

Other effects of my personal usage of lithium have included a change in taste perception and a lessened appetite.  My taste buds seem to have adjusted in recent days: at least the pizza from Papa John's seemed perfectly normal.  In regard to appetite, I've lost a number of pounds already.  Maybe that's compensation for the craziness I went through with Seroquel.  Friends and family have told me in the past few weeks that I'm already looking the best I have in a number of years.  Maybe it'll keep up... but not too much!

So, lithium has me closer to that mark of perfect equilibrium.  I doubt I will ever hit the mark right on target, and if I do I know it won't be long staying there.  And it will always be a struggle to some degree to hover around that sweet spot between mania and depression.  But for now, I'm enjoying a measure of peace.  Like an island in the eye of a hurricane.

That's all for now.  Back to writing this book.

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Forget not in the light what has been learned in the darkness.

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Lithium

Started lithium yesterday.

Have never been on lithium before. Had I been on it 15 years ago my life would have turned out completely different, no doubt. But there's no good to come speculating on what might have been. I could have accomplished some things, but missed doing a lot of other good ones.

I'm feeling rather intoxicated at the moment. I could write anything. But it's not "drunk" per se. My mind hasn't been this free from struggling against itself in at least ten years. The core of my being isn't used to this.

It probably won't last forever. I'm not counting on it. As with everything else with having bipolar there are good days where everything clicks and there are bad days when nothing works. But for the time being I am immensely thankful for this little season of rest.

Should I write about how tempted I was to take my own life last week? I guess I just did. That's okay. It's common. People with mental illness who have suicidal ideations aren't "bad" at all. You have to have this to understand the kind of pain that it is. And it's a deep, DEEP pain. Pain that is extremely difficult to endure. Suicide is a horrible tragedy, but it's not a flaw in a person's character. I've been there. I hope nobody will judge me for harboring that kind of pain and thoughts about wanting it to stop.

Lithium is documented to severely reduce the risk of suicide. I'm beginning to understand why. The depression has been unbelievably absent during the past several days. But I can't credit medication for that. I've had a LOT of wonderful friends and family who have held me up in their prayers and I can't doubt that God has been with me during this time. All the thanks must go to Him and to them.

And I'm working on a project about being bipolar that might be... I dunno, "interesting"? It's something that I'm not holding back on anything. What it's like to have bipolar, the hurt I've felt, the hurt I've inflicted on others (especially family and friends), the drugs I've taken. But also some other things not directly related to mental illness. We'll see how it goes.

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Well, so it begins

I still don't know what I'm supposed to be writing lately.

But I feel like I need to post something more than the running train of my current consciousness.  All that's missing are exotic pharmaceuticals like what Hunter S. Thompson used with his own.

So for what it's worth, here is what might be the very first "spy" photo from the filming of Star Wars Episode VII, somewhere in the desert of Abu Dhabi...

Speculation is that it's anything from part of a moisture farm, to the foot of an AT-AT walker.  Maybe the Jawas scavenged Imperial hardware in the decades following the Empire's defeat?

The new Star Wars movie begins primary filming next month.

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Years ago, as a student at Elon, I became... well, I still don't know the best word for it. "Active", "associated", "affiliated with", "hung around"...

Well like I said, I still don't know.

It was InterVarsity Christian Fellowship that I became a part of, in whatever insignificant capacity. Truth be known, that was a strange period in my life and there are times when I'm not exactly sure what was going on. Maybe I shouldn't look too hard for answers there?

I do know that it was my friends in IV who were the ones who helped me most to break free from years of guilt, shame and regret and to at last come into a real relationship with God. It was something that looking back, I realize that I had always wanted it but for one reason or another felt inadequate and unworthy. God used them and worked through them to show me a peace and a joy that I had never known before, or even knew could be.

The years since have in too many ways, not been kind. I'm sure some would say all of this could have been better, that I could have gained more, if I had not tried so much to serve God since then. And I will be the very first to admit: I have fallen and failed many more times than I have succeeded.

To serve Him is a choice that once made, I truly could never, ever turn my back on. Despite all the loss I've suffered, regardless of the situations I've gone through, no matter the hell of mental illness that I have had to endure... though all of that and so much more, I can not and would not want to go back to the person I was before at last finding Christ.

Why am I writing all of this?

There was a song that the praise team at IV used to play, one of many that we all sang to. Most of those songs wound up recorded on tape and several years ago I used my copy to make MP3s of them. I now have the entire collection of tracks on my iPad and iPod. Even after all this time, Elon IV's praise and worship songs are something I turn to when I need encouragement.

This song, from the time I first remember hearing it I thought it was the most beautiful, hope-filled, most inspiring of the entire set of songs that they used.

And in recent days and weeks, months even, it has become a song that I have especially clung to. When I was in a behavioral health center in December for extreme depression, I would sing this to myself late at night, asking God to please grant a peaceful rest.

It is a song that has come to mean more to me than I can possibly convey with words. The best I can muster is that it is a precious link to happier times, a comfort today, and a beautiful hint at things still to come.

I don't know who wrote this song. Maybe someone out there does and will tell me. I would love to know.

Lately I've used my iPad to play the "album" very softly as I go to sleep. It helps to quiet my mind, turn it over to God and let Him grant that rest. And this is the one I love listening to the most.

Maybe there is someone out there who, even if it's just the lyrics, they can find a measure of peace and assurance too...

We Will Fly

I want to sing something beautiful
To Jesus, Lord of my life
To give an offering of my heart
In a song that he’s never before

And then we will fly,
The Lord Jesus and I
And all my fears will fade into the night
And my praise will ring
As up to the heavens I sing
Of the love of God through Jesus Christ
　
Oh that the love that dwells in my heart
Would emerge from me undefiled
To go forth in purity, touching those I see
With the sweetness of the presence of Christ

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Dear readers of this blog,

Two nights ago I very nearly made the greatest mistake of my life.

Had it succeeded, another mistake, which I take full responsibility for, would have been the second greatest mistake of my life instead.

I don't know what I'm doing. I thought I did.

There are things which I cannot possibly be forgiven for and I wonder if my capacity as a writer and especially as a Christian writer is now irredeemably destroyed.

I would do anything to take back what I have done. More than I would do anything to change having, well, this.

My heart groans to be free of this world. My spirit longs to at last be unshackled and to fly away home.

I have lost loved ones and I don't know how to ever gain them again.

There are people who are going to laugh and gloat that I am saying these things. I couldn't care less. My heart lied one time too many to one friend. It will not lie here.

I don't know what I'm doing. And God is so very distant now, I cannot hear Him. Could I have heard Him at all? The times I thought I heard God, was that nothing but my disease playing with my thoughts?

I don't know.

I know nothing.

I wanted to be a father. I would have been a good father.

I wanted to be known as a good man. I wanted to be a good man, through and through.

I create nothing. I destroy everything.

I am become Death, shatterer of worlds. My own has not been spared.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

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Why are people so cruel and spiteful to each other?

Why do people who have better minds than mine choose to be like that?

The love of most has grown cold.

The world is going to hell.

There is no more rule of law.  None at all.

We deserve everything that is coming toward us.

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Putin's prize: The Second Rome

Vladimir Putin may have come from the KGB.  But there arguably exists aspirations which are far away and removed from anything the Soviet Union set out to achieve.

Allow me to paint a picture...

Very soon, Russia's invasion of Ukraine will commence.  Complete control of Ukraine is not Putin's objective, but neither will it stop there.

There are even now reports of the Russian army stationed in Moldava beginning maneuvers.  It is altogether possible that Ukraine could be faced with invasion along two fronts.

Or not.

Ukraine is needed not to solidify Russia's annexation of Crimea, but to establish an uncontested highway for troops and materiel to be transported to the south and west.  Poland?  Likely it has barely figured into Putin's strategy.  Poland will not be a factor.  Putin is aiming for something far more than re-establishing the borders of Soviet domination during the Cold War.

The Russian army now has free and clear dominion across the north and northwest of the Black Sea.  Next on the agenda: Romania.  Which may or may not acquiesce to Russia's military movements.  When Putin's goals are made clear (perhaps by diplomatic channels) Romania will gladly afford the Russian army to pass through what could be called the "Carpathian Corridor".

And so too might Bulgaria, and then Greece, quickly rally to give passage to the Russian armed forces.  Political boundaries will yield to common cultural ties.  The entire region along the western Aegean Sea is now firmly under Russian control.

It will not be very long before entire divisions of soldiers, tanks, supply lines and reserves are sitting along the border of Thrace.

Ukraine?  Putin is aiming far higher than that.  Ukraine just happens to be in the way.

Because Russia has now positioned itself to take the true prize.  The prize that has been the ultimate goal of Russia - and Orthodoxy in general - for nearly half a millennium:

Istanbul.

The city once known as Constantinople.  The shining jewel of Orthodoxy, until it was conquered by Ottoman Turks led by Sultan Mehmed II in 1453.

Putin knows that he must act soon.  Even now it is being actively discussed in Ankara that Haggia Sophia be turned once again into a Muslim mosque.  Haggia Sophia, which until the fall of Constantinople was the crowning architectural achievement of Orthodoxy as well as it's spiritual focal point in the earthly realm

Haggia Sophia is now a museum.  But to make it a mosque anew?

The Russian - and Greek - Orthodox will NEVER tolerate it.

And then Putin makes the final play of his long game: the re-taking of Constantinople. Russian Orthodoxy's long-dreamt re-conquest of Constantinople from the heirs of the hated Ottomans. The restoration of Haggia Sophia as a church.

It has long been said in Russia that Rome was the first, Constantinople is the second Rome. Moscow is the third. "A fourth there shall not be."

The Third Rome, after more than four and a half centuries, is readying itself to retake the Second. 

Vladimir Putin could very well deem himself the man who is destined to achieve Russia's longest, most lusted-after goal.

It is almost certainly a thought that Putin has seriously contemplated during the past several months and years.  For sure, it has been at least a lingering thought these past few weeks.

Think that western Europe will try to intervene?  In the two and a half decades since the fall of communism, Russia has come to control more than 1/3rd of natural gas and petroleum products throughout the European Union.  Putin merely has to threaten to shut down the pipelines and most of Europe will not be in a position to negotiate with him.

Meanwhile, the troops and tanks are set to roll across the border of westernmost Turkey.

And then they do.

The Second Siege of Constantinople has begun.

It has now gone from clear provocation to full-scale war between Russia and Turkey.

In addition to Istanbul itself, Russia and Turkey especially fight for control of the Bosporus and Dardanelles straits.  The Dardanelles will likely be the secondary objective after entering Thrace.  If Russia succeeds in taking Istanbul - and it most certainly will - Putin will have effective control over the entire Black Sea region apart from northern Turkey.

All to reclaim Constantinople.  To at long last punish the Turks for the desecration of Haggia Sophia.

It could be the single largest open conflict between Christendom and Islam in hundreds of years.

This is the scenario that I have seen could possibly unfold.

Time will tell.

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Bipolar Disorder: Research proves that... it wasn't a choice

Note:  This blog hasn't been the same lately.  I don't know if I should keep going or not.  What do you think?

The night before...

The recent state of this blog is reflecting my personal life, and it has nothing to do with just turning 40.

40 is the biblical number of completion.  Moses was 40 when he fled Egypt and it was 40 years later when he returned to lead his people to freedom.  It was 40 years after that when the children of Israel arose to take the land promised them.

Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days, fasting and being tempted by Satan.  Only after that did He begin His ministry.  Noah and his family endured rain for 40 days and 40 nights.  No doubt there are other examples.

(I haven't seen the Noah movie.  I don't plan to either.  When I heard there were Ents in it, and Noah tries to kill his granddaughter, I knew it wouldn't get my hard-earned money.)

Many people would turn 40 with dread.  It didn't even register with me.  I guess one of the reasons is that I'm just happy to have survived my 30s: a decade that very nearly killed me.  I'm not kidding.  It certainly did see my life almost destroyed in too many other ways.

For the past few months things have gone very horrible in my personal life and I'm struggling to understand the whys and the hows of it.  I'm no closer to understanding.  God isn't providing any wisdom, but I guess He doesn't have to to begin with, does He?

Last week though, He did provide something that, well... it has come as both a great relief and a saddening understanding.

It was a friend with a far more brilliant mind than most who passed along the news to me.  I'm glad she did.  In the week since I've studied everything I can about these findings and more than I can express in words, I have felt a tremendous burden lifted from my heart and soul.

Last week new research was published by a team at the University of Michigan, having to do with bipolar disorder.  Which has been the biggest bane of my existence, for far longer than I initially realized.  My bipolar intensified severely beginning more than ten years ago and if it hadn't been for counseling and coming across the right combination of medication, I would probably be dead.

The researchers at University of Michigan took skin samples from volunteers who did not have bipolar, and an equal number from those who are afflicted with bipolar.  Those skin cells were induced to become stem cells and with further coaxing, made to develop into neural tissue (something that never ceases to amaze me).  For the first time, the behavior and function of bipolar disorder neural cells could be examined at length.

Neurons of Bipolar Disorder individual
(photo credit: Univesity of Michigan)

The findings were extraordinary.  The neurons of those with bipolar disorder were found to function radically different from those of "normal" people.  For one thing, they communicate with each other drastically different from mainstream neurons: at times uncontrollably.  Signals can often spin out of control.  There are more genes which express themselves into receptors for calcium ions, needed by cells to send signals to each other.  There are far more synapses and dentrites present than those of non-bipolar individuals.  It is now believed that bipolar neurons are already activated at the embryonic stage and continue to affect brain development throughout an individual's life, manifesting especially in the early years and young adult phase.  Additionally, the researchers discovered how lithium "calms" the neural activity down, though its effectiveness can differ from individual to individual.

Another group of researchers a few weeks earlier announced that 3 genes have been found which are associated with bipolar disorder.  Between that and the study of bipolar neurons, it is truly an exciting time for bipolar disorder research.

It's stuff like this that makes me thankful for modern medical research.  And this is only the beginning.  At last, science is starting to have an understanding of bipolar disorder and how it may be treated.  In the future, treatment may be possible for those with bipolar on an individual basis, instead of trying one drug cocktail after another attempting to control it.

But even so... I have a mixed reaction to all of this.

Because now I know that there wasn't a choice. There was never a choice.  None at all.

I was going to have bipolar disorder.  I was going to have bipolar disorder.

For those in the future, there may well be effective treatment for bipolar disorder.  But for me, it is too late.

From before I was ever born, the chromosomes were poisoning the well.  The neurons were working their mischief.  Subtly altering how my brain was developing.  Making seemingly inconsequential shifts in my brain's structure.  Setting up a time bomb set to explode years down the road.

It was going to happen no matter what.  We know without any doubt now.

My grandmother, we are now certain, had bipolar disorder.  Her father before her suffered mental illness and we also now believe it was bipolar.  My grandmother had two children and each of those have two children.  Neither my father or aunt have bipolar.  Nor do my sister or my two cousins have bipolar.  Instead the genetic roulette wheel landed on your friend and humble narrator, Robert Christopher Knight.

I guess if it had to be someone, I should be glad that it was on me.  Bipolar disorder is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  If somebody had to lose the dice roll, I would volunteer myself rather than see anyone else suffer.

I have bipolar disorder and from the earliest possible point, it was something I was doomed to be hit with.  There is a sense of relief and vindication (as one commenter on this blog put it) in knowing at last that this wasn't a "character flaw".  One of the things that being bipolar has taught me is that the mind and soul are two VERY separate things.  There is the flesh, there is the mind, and there is the soul.

My heart and soul are untouchable by bipolar.  But this fallen world can - and has - done plenty of damage to my body and mind.

It was a disability that was poised to strike without my having a say in the matter.  Another thing that bipolar disorder has taught me is to have a much deeper humility and appreciation for those things that I do have, because there are many people who are worse off than I will probably ever be.  You can't understand a disability until you yourself have one... and I pray that nobody else would have to suffer a disability.  Especially this one.

I am relieved.  I am thankful for the new research.  And at the same time I have a sense of grief.

Bipolar disorder, I see now, has always been there and making me "different" from others.  Bipolar disorder has destroyed opportunities which I regret were missed.  It has cost me friendships.  It cost me my marriage.  And lately it has come very close to completely derailing my freelance writing career.

And apart from a regimen of medication (which sometimes is not completely effective) and regular counseling, I never stood a chance to not lose all of those things.  Things that were very precious and dear to me.  And still are.

But again, if a person, especially a person in my family, had to be hit with bipolar and suffer the consequences of everything associated with it, I would rather it have been me and not them.

And yet, I can't bring myself to rail against God for any of that.

Have I cried out to Him before because of this?  Absolutely.  But this is something that I just can't find a reason to charge Him with anything.

Because if He knows that I have this and was always going to have bipolar disorder, then I have to trust that He understands completely, and even better than I possibly could.

I have to trust that God didn't allow this to happen without some purpose.  What that purpose is, I have no idea.  I may never have any understanding of it.

I trust that God knows all of this, and that in His own time He brings healing.  He brings restoration.  He brings wisdom.

And He brings hope.

I have a hope now that those yet to come will never have to go through what I have because of bipolar disorder.  If I can play any part in that, however small, then I will consider that to be the greatest honor that one can have in this life.  I may have had no choice in being hit with bipolar disorder, but I can and do choose to do what I can to help others who have this devastating mental illness.

Actually, come to think of it... that isn't really a choice at all, either.

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If we can't pray to God for wisdom and strength when we think times are going well, don't expect Him to grant wisdom and strength when we pray to Him when times are woefully desperate!

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To have happiness at the expense of that of someone I love is something I could not live with.

There are times when you have to step back and love a person from afar.

Just something God taught me last night and then again this morning.

I may or may not write more about it later.

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Tired of being hurt.

Tired of hurting others.

Tired especially of hurting those most precious to me.

Tired of this diseased, wretched mind that has cost me too much.

Tired of depression that lingers for weeks.

Tired of the drugs I must use to stay balanced and "normal".

Tired of every happiness crumbling into ashes in my hands.

Tired of not knowing if I am truly forgiven for my mistakes and my shortcomings.

Tired of being haunted by memories of things no one should endure.

Tired of being haunted by the faces of people I have loved, people I still love, and they never knew how much I have loved them.

Tired of being a hypocrite. And I know that I am.

Tired of not being a true and worthy friend.

Tired of being abandoned and discarded.

Tired of being a monster that must be shunned and avoided.

Tired of giving my very best in all things and it never is good enough.

Tired of seeing blessings be taken away, and being left with nothing.

I hate this mind and this flesh.

My spirit groans and cries to God to be delivered from these chains of fallen matter and broken thoughts. My heart and soul long to be free. To be embraced in perfect love in a place where there are no more farewells, forever.

I want to know that Heaven awaits, even for me.

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Am I an evil person?

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Life versus religion

A thought I've been contemplating the past few weeks...

Christ did not come to establish any religion.

Christ came so that we could have life, and life abundantly.

Religion and having pride in it is the destroyer of life.  It chokes life, keeps life from taking root and thriving.

Christ came to give us life, not patterns of worship.  He came to fulfill the law, not to replace the law with unduly onerous more law.

If you want to find where the kingdom of God exists on this earth, look for the joy and not the constraints. Look for the laughter, and not the pride.

Look for the life, not the religion.

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Classic SESAME STREET: Weather report

Gadzooks it had been an awful long time since I've posted anything from Sesame Street!  I need to get on the ball about that.

Well, it's a new year and since this blog just turned a couple of milestones with being ten years old and hitting 5,000 posts, maybe it's time to start some stuff fresh.  So here's a great clip to get us back on track.  I think this is from the early Eighties, 'cuz that's the first I ever saw this.  Witness poor Kermit the Frog try to keep a newscast on track despite a very wacky weatherman (or two):

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David Lynch is shooting new TWIN PEAKS material. For real.

"Diane, 11:30 AM, February 24th. Entering the town of Twin Peaks. It's 5 miles south of the Canadian border, 12 miles west of the state line. Never seen so many trees in my life. As W.C. Fields would say, 'I'd rather be here than Philadelphia.'"

-- F.B.I. Special Agent Dale Cooper

Looks like we may yet be going back to the Double R Diner for that cherry pie and a damn fine cup of coffee...

"Twenty-Five Years Later..."

".ria eht ni cisum syawla s’ereht dna gnos ytterp a gnis sdirb eht, morf er’ew erehW"

This is something I thought would be more unlikely to happen than new Star Wars movies.  Still trying to wrap my brain around the idea... not that I ever got my brain wrapped around it in the first place but anyway...

David Lynch is producing and directing new footage for Twin Peaks.

In retrospect it is very difficult to argue with the impact that this series had, however brief it lasted.  Had there been no Twin Peaks, there would have been no Lost.  There probably would have never been a revived Battlestar Galactica.  A lot of series would never have been conceived much less taken root had Twin Peaks not broken the ground first.

Premiering on ABC in April of 1990, Twin Peaks was something that television had never seen before and nearly a quarter century later is still trying to figure out.  Part murder mystery, part soap opera... and all surreal as only the mind of David Lynch could evoke.  The death of Laura Palmer was just the beginning, as Special Agent Dale Cooper - and the rest of us - descended into the logging town of Twin Peaks, Washington: a place where nothing was ordinary.  A place where everyone had a secret.  A place where... "the owls are not what they seem".

I used to own every bit of Twin Peaks merchandise there was.  I even still have the soundtrack CD here somewhere.  Angelo Badalamenti's score alone made this show haunting like nothing before or since.

The chronology of the series took place in 1989.  The Little Man from Another Place told Cooper that he would see him again "in twenty-five years".  That would be this year: 2014.  Maybe it will wrap up some of the lingering mysteries left from the show's final episode.

I wonder if we'll at last get to see Diane...

(Hat tip to friend of this blog Paul Elledge for coming across this great bit of news!)

Through the dark of future past the magician longs to see

One chants out between two worlds. Fire, walk with me.

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Abigail Sailors: Cracker Barrel waitress's prayers answered with customer's tip

I'm going to confess to something, dear readers.  I admit that things in my personal life lately have been more than a little rough.

I'm also going to admit that I'm now greatly ashamed at how I've looked more to what I've lost instead of to what God has... and what God is still... given me.

The low temperature this morning was 4 degrees Fahrenheit.  As of this writing it hasn't got much warmer.  But at least I can say that I am staying warm.  That I've got food to eat.  People who care for me.  A career that is beginning to take off beyond my wildest dreams (and that in itself was a huge answered prayer).

I have fretted over things lost and things ruined because of a condition I was born with and too much I let those define the parameters of my happiness when instead I had every reason to be happy with what God has bestowed upon me.  Because to be absolutely honest: I don't deserve any measure of happiness at all.

Things could be worse.  Things could be a lot worse.  And when I read the story of Abigail Sailors, well... this young lady's faith cuts right through the shallowness of my own.  It's something God needed me to read, especially right now.

Sailors is 18 years old.  She's a waitress at a Cracker Barrel restaurant in Lincoln, Nebraska.  Until recently she had been a student at Trinity Bible College, and had just finished her first semester studying psychology and youth ministry.  She had to leave before the spring semester so that she could work a job to take care of her family and be able to save money for a return to school next fall.

And then a few days ago two men stopped by her restaurant and asked for "the grumpiest server" the Cracker Barrel had.  Instead they got who the manager thought was the happiest: Abigail Sailors.

As she waited on them and served their food, the two men pried Abigail's story out of her.  They thought it was amazing that someone with so much going against her was so upbeat and cheerful.  But Abigail told them that things could be worse, that "I’m just thankful. Everything we went through, my attitude is: God blessed me with a lot of things. I’m doing good. That’s all that matters to me."

Long story short: the two men left her with a tip she'll never forget.  They departed the table leaving behind $6,000: one thousand to spend on her own needs and a $5,000 check made out to Trinity Bible College for her tuition.  They also left $100 to split between Abigail and another waitress.

Click here to read more about Abigail Sailors' terrific tale at JournalStar.com.

There is still good in this world.  God hears our prayers.  And God does answer our prayers.  It's stuff like this that makes me keep believing that.

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Peter Capaldi's first full day as the Doctor...

More than any other Doctor previous, it seems like there was no initial "sinking-in" period when Peter Capaldi made the transition from Matt Smith during "The Time of the Doctor" almost two weeks ago.  Maybe it had to do with how the Twelfth Doctor flashed into existence instantaneously before our eyes, rather than have a lengthy regeneration sequence.  One moment I was on the verge of tears watching Smith's beautiful departure, and then WHAM!! without warning it's Capaldi ranting about his kidneys and screaming "DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW HOW TO FLY THIS THING?!?"

 
It's not a pic of him yet after he picks what will become his signature look (in fact he's still wearing the clothes that Matt Smith's Eleventh Doctor was wearing) but the BBC has released a photo of Capaldi (along with Jenna Coleman) on his first day on the set for a Doctor Who story of his very own!

That must be the proverbially happiest kid on the planet right now.  Coleman is looking pretty excited too :-)

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"Winter is coming"

Actually, scratch that... because winter is here, bay-bee!!!!

Freezing records getting shattered all over the country today.  Here in North Carolina we're set to have a morning temperature of 4 Fahrenheit two days from now.  Even so, we're much warmer than our friends in the north.

Let's hope the Wall hasn't been breached.

'Cuz if you thought illegals coming in from the South has been bad, it's nothing compared to the White Walkers!

Speaking of Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, I've developed a theory. Despite everything George R. R. Martin insists, I think the world of Westeros may be our own Earth, thousands of years from now.  There have been what could be deemed a few hints that such is the case (in the books, not so much the HBO television series).  Whatever it was that threw the seasons so wildly out of whack is a catastrophe that is yet to come in our world's future and the characters are going to find... well, something that will substantiate that during the next two books.  Even if I'm wrong, it's still an awesome series (and one that I'm re-reading now :-)

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William Overstreet Jr. passes away at the age of 92

This is a photo of William Overstreet Jr. of Roanoke, Virginia, taken in recent years:

Photo Credit: The Roanoke Times

Mr. Overstreet passed away this past Sunday afternoon.  He was 92, and one of the most decorated airmen of World War II.

This is a photo of Bill Overstreet when he served in the Army Air Force during the war:

And this is the maneuver that forever put Overstreet in the history books:

This dude engaged in a dogfight with a German Messerschmitt Bf 109G over Nazi-occupied Paris.  And Overstreet, flying his P-51C, chased the Messerschmitt by flying through the arches of the Eiffel Tower!!  Overstreet soon after blasted the Nazi plane out of the sky.  It was a move that sent the morale of the French freedom fighters soaring.

Now... that is seriously hardcore.

Overstreet, a pilot in the357th squadron, was the recipient of hundreds of medals during his time of service.  In 2009 he was awarded France’s Legion of Honor during a ceremony at the National D-Day Memorial in Bedford, Virginia.

Now he is gone, but not to be forgotten.

Rest well, noble hero.  Your generation really was the greatest... and you were one of the best of them.

Read more about the extraordinary life and achievements of William Overstreet Jr. at The Roanoke Times website.

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North Carolina town councilman tenders resignation... in Klingon

Gowron, not David Waddell
(but Gowron should have
resigned too, when you
think about it...)

That does it: if I ever run for office again and win, I'm going to give my acceptance speech in High-Elvish Sindarin!

Indian Trail is a nice town near Charlotte here in North Carolina.  And one of its city councilmmembers - one David Waddell - had decided that "enough was enough" about the way the officials of Indian Trail were handling what he considers to be development run amok, among other things.  Exasperated by it all, David Waddell decided to resign his seat.

Except that he did it using the Klingon language: the tongue spoken by the proud warrior race from the Star Trek franchise.

Here's the story from The Charlotte Observer:

An Indian Trail councilman decided to boldly go where no politician has gone before – and tendered his resignation this week in the Klingon language.

Apparently David Waddell no longer wanted to live long and prosper on the board.

In an interview Thursday, Waddell said his resignation letter to Mayor Michael Alvarez was written in Klingon, the language of a proud warrior race in the “Star Trek” TV shows and movies, as an inside joke. But in case the mayor wasn’t up to speed with his Klingon, Waddell included a translation using Bing.com.

“Folks don’t know what to think of me half the time,” said Waddell, so “I might as well have one last laugh” on the board.

Read more here: http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2014/01/02/4582880/indian-trail-councilman-resigns.html#.UscUbs4uf5m#storylinAndAnd here's the text (and English translation) of Waddell's letter:

And here's the letter that Waddell submitted, in both Klingon with English translation:

"Perhaps today is a good day to resign"!  Good play, David.  You may have left a Klingon, but it sure sounds like you tried to bring the logical mind of a Vulcan to city politics.  May you live long and prosper!

(Tip o' the hat to friends of this blog Eric Wilson and Joshua Phoebus for passing this story along.)

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It's The Knight Shift's 10th Anniversary!! AND it's Post #5,000!!

In the beginning...

Friday, January 02, 2004

Here we go, fast and furious...

I made an attempt to start a blog in March of last year. And it woulda been a fun thing to have done last year, had real-life situations not taken precedence. In a nutshell, 2003 was one major fiasco after another. But God brought us through, none the worse for wear and maybe a little more wiser for all of it. 2004 is starting out with things looking far more on the upside for my lovely lil' spousal overunit and myself.

Anyhoo, my name is Christopher Knight and this is my blog. I'm 29 years old, presently living in north-central North Carolina with my bride of a little more than a year... At the moment I do payroll and computer work for a retailer here in town, although that will soon be changing as I've begun " taking some things on faith" as it were, and trying to step out into the larger world a bit more boldly than life allowed for this past year. So maybe it's a good thing that I'm starting this blog now: 2003 was a lot of rotten things all come together. Perhaps I tried taking control of things more on my own. In 2004, I'm going to give it all over to God, and let Him make of it as He will. I've no doubt that if I can do that, that this is going to be a great new year.

So this blog will (hopefully) chronicle that in a timely fashion, along with other things. It'll also be a sounding board for some of my musings. Politically I could be considered a strong conservative, although I detest what the Republican party is fast becoming and loathe what the Democrat one long ago became. I'm a huge fan of Star Wars and the works of J.R.R. Tolkien (and may write at length on Return Of The King after seeing it for the third time hopefully this weekend), enjoy a number of computer games both online and off, and generally will try anything for fun so long as it's not immoral, illegal or causing cancer.

 That was 3,653 days ago.  Ten years later and... I think The Knight Shift has remained pretty faithful to that mission.  It's been a place to share my thoughts and experiences.  To write about the world around me from my own perspective.  To talk about things that I find interesting and share those with others.

But... wow, has it been a wild ride or what?

This blog has gone from writing about politics, to documenting my own stab at running for office.  It has reviewed everything from movies and video games to restaurants and museums.  It's chronicled my attempts at filmmaking (something I'm feeling compelled to pick up again soon) and it saw one of my videos go viral worldwide.  This blog has wound up taking on corrupt politicians, evil cult leaders and a multi-billion dollar corporation or two (or three).  It has been a place for malcontents and moonshiners (and sometimes both at once).  It has even made national headlines a time or two.  I have written on this blog everywhere from film festivals to the Columbia River in Oregon to another country.  As the Man in Black said, "I've been ev-ah-ree-where, man!"

The Knight Shift has been a place where I have written about my successes, as well as my failures.  I realized a long time ago that "unto thy self be true", as the Bard put it.  On this blog I've written about disappointments and let-downs and more than a few abject failures.  Sometimes I wonder if I held back too much (the heartbreak of divorce being chief among them).  But I also like to believe that the good has far outweighed the bad.  And here, ten years later, this blog has taken on another role: sharing my experiences about having a mental illness.  The illness itself is pretty lousy... but I'm determined to make this a triumph instead.  This morning during my daily devotional time it hit me: if I did not have bipolar and have everything associated with it happen to me, God wouldn't have had the space to work in my life and accomplish some seriously amazing things!  Without bipolar, there would not have been that testimony I could have of what God has done and is still doing.  Do I wish that my mind wasn't turning against me like it does at times?  Absolutely.  But if I had to choose between being "normal" and witnessing God at work in my life, I would pick God every time, no matter what happens to me.

This is also Post #5,000 on The Knight Shift!  Seriously: I had not planned on the two milestones coinciding with each other.  It just happened all its own.  I knew the five thousandth post was coming up all the way back in September and I had... well, different plans for it.  Those did not come to pass, but maybe that's providential as well.  I mean, ten years of blogging and 5,000 posts are each a hefty achievement.  To have them together is almost a cosmic wink.

When I read that first post again, I can't help but feel like I'm back at square one.  2003 was a very difficult year toward its end, and the final months of 2013 had me in the deepest depression that I've ever had to endure.  Far more now than I did then, I have at last been able to be content with whatever my situation may be, because I do know that God is going to bring me through it.  He has brought me through so much already (and I've chronicled a lot of it on this site) and I've no reason to believe He won't do it.  Again and again and again.

Wow.  Don't really know what else to say.  The more I think about it, the more stunned I am that this blog really did get this far.  That it's still going and Lord willing, will keep being a place that I can share stuff with this site's readers for many more years to come.  And speaking of that...

There are two people I owe the longevity of The Knight Shift and whatever success it might have had.  The first is God.  The second... is this site's readership.  And there are a lot of you.  A lot of regular readers.  From all over the world!  On any given day this blog gets visitors from all over the United States (including several in the United States Congress, gotta wonder why) and a whole bunch of other countries (a long-coming "greetings" to my friends in Moscow!).

I would have probably given up a long time ago were it not for this blog's devoted readership.  And to be honest, I don't know where I would be personally without the encouragements and prayers that many of y'all have given me in all this time.

From the bottom of my heart, and more than I could possibly convey with words, to each of The Knight Shift's readers, I say this:

Thank you.

So... where do we go from here?

A few things are on my plate at the moment, and I'll get to them as work permits (yes, contrary to what some have claimed I do have an active career, as a freelance writer.  And I may be diversifying very soon, parse that as you will).  More films are definitely coming.  I don't know if I'll run for office ever again but if that happens, I'm certainly going to document that journey as well.  In fact, were I to run I've some ideas for campaign commercials that will make that Star Wars-inspired school board ad downright tame in comparison!

We'll see how it goes.  "Always in motion, is the future," Yoda observed.

Anyhoo, for ten years and five thousand posts, The Knight Shift and its eclectic proprietor thanks you and yours and... I'm looking forward to seeing where the next ten years and another five thousand posts will bring us! :-)

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Just finished watching the new SHERLOCK!

It's "The Empty Hearse", and it's the first new episode in almost two years.

And it is bloody, gob-smackingly brilliant!!

This is television of the highest calibre. Better than most big-budget films at the cinema, definitely.

Okay, I'm gonna watch it again. After the work I pulled off today, I've earned the respite :-)

(And maybe soon I'll afford myself time to finally watch this season of The Walking Dead.)

Well done, Moffat and Gatiss and Cumberbatch and Freeman. Well done indeed.

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Yay, I did it!

I got all the way to the end of 2013 without getting a single speeding ticket!!

It's a record I shall try to maintain in 2014 :-)

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