And on this day, today, all that I can think of, the only thing on my mind, is the overwhelming sense of regret for the people who I have lost. People who I cared for, and still care for, and would have done anything for.
To all who it may concern: I tried. I did my best. I never stopped doing what I could to seek God and what He would have me do. I am still doing what I can to seek after Him.
And, if you are reading this blog today, please know that I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt any of you.
Still thinking of all of you. And, I will never stop being thankful for each of you.
EDIT 4:14 p.m. EST: To everyone reading this, who enjoys a relationship with God and has never had to personally deal with having a mental illness...
You have no idea how blessed you are.
And don't you ever take that for granted!
It is only by His grace that I am here today, to have another birthday. And if I didn't have Christ in my life I wouldn't be here today. Don't think that I'm not thankful to Him that He has led me through the darkest valleys that a person can go through in this life.
And yet, I do still cry out to Him. Begging Him to give me some indication that He has heard me. That the things which I have lost because of a condition which no one would ever ask for, have not been lost in vain.
Yes, I have a relationship with God. But it is not the kind that I would wish on anybody. I'll never know during my lifetime what it is like to have a mind that is quiet enough to be content to simply listen for Him. I'll go the rest of my days carrying a burden from a person I was never meant to be, that the real me now has... and keeps asking God to make sense of it.
If you have a relationship with God, and have not suffered the misery and grief that comes with your own mind turning against you, then be glad. Be thankful. Never stop thanking God for that!
I don't want anything for my birthday today. Except to know that God has heard my cries.
That, and that anyone who reads this, might go away thankful for a blessing that they had never given any thought to.